Through the first month of play, LSU fans have been given reasons to finally be optimistic about the offense. In particular, through the first 4 games, QB Mettenberger has had a lot of time in the pocket, causing some avid bloggers to speculate that they hope Mett is doing something productive back there with all that time he’s had, like taking up a hobby or something. Unfortunately I have some bad news to report, about what Mett is doing with all his time in the pocket, and it looks like it will land us in trouble with the NCAA. These text conversations were recently recovered from Mett’s phone.
Mett: Hey…..I’m in the pocket again.
Brees: Sweet! It’s nice, ain’t it? Chicks dig being in the pocket.
Mett: No doubt. Listen, I got cover 2, stunts on the line, blitzing OLB. Penny for your thoughts
Brees: Throw it to Jimmy Graham. Always throw to Graham.
Mett: My arm is strong, but I can’t throw all the way to New Orleans.
Brees: s’why you ain’t in the NFL son, lol j/k okay, throw it to Sproles. He’s money.
Mett: I can’t…..hang on a sec (completes 20 yard out-route to ODB) nm….hey gotta go huddle
Brees: Graham caught it, didn't he.....I bet it was Graham. Later playa
and then this
Mett: Yo, it’s me.
Manning: You in the pocket again? Man, if I had a running game like you, I would hand off, like, literally every down.
Mett: Look, I got a CB blitzing my blind side and I think a DE dropped out into coverage in the flats. Totes didn’t see it coming.
Manning: What you need is a guy like Jeff Saturday snapping you the ball. You got a Jeff Saturday?
Mett: I have Elliot Porter.
Manning: Good enough. Now explain to these people your dad was an NFL QB. Your brother is an NFL QB. You are goddamned football ROYALTY, wtf they think they gonna do to confuse you?
Mett: I….uh….look, FB picked up the blitz, but I gotta do something here
Manning: Listen, this is easy. You got a hot receiver crossing the flats?
Mett: Had Dickson in the slot
Manning: Good. Hit him away from the body, watch the LBs fall down. LBs! Pahahaa!!! They always think they can cover guys in the slot and they never can! lolz
Mett: Got him
Manning: Right on. Now, if it ever takes too long and you get a pass batted down or throw an incompletion or something, just fall down, spread your arms wide and shake your head in disbelief. Ref will give you a flag every time.
Mett: No shit?
Manning: No shit. Laterz
Mett: Hey, it’s me again. Everybody’s covered. Throw it away?
Vick: Nah dog. Run it for a first down
Mett: I’m not much of a runner
Vick: You don’t……..run?
Mett: Not so much, no.
Vick: Look man, I don’t know what kind of…..alright…..can you fight dogs? Can you do time? ANYthing with some street cred?
Vick: Not so sure this game is for you, bro
Mett: I grabbed a girl’s boob one time and got expelled
Vick: Well alright then! Why you didn’t say so? Aiight, get what you can with your legs, then get up and cuss at the tacklers. Next play they will RECOGNIZE, FOOL!!!
Mett: k, thx
Vick: Cool cool….see u in da big house
Vick: Nah dog….Angola
Mett: Sup legend?
Tebow: Greetings, brother. How’d you get this number?
Mett: 93,000 fans here….they ALL have your number.
Tebow: Oh, right. God bless those LSU fans.
Mett: Quick question…down at the goal line, you rocked this stuff...what to do?
Tebow: First things first. Do you know Jesus?
Mett: Do I….what?? I need a play, dude.
Tebow: What does it profit you to gain 7 points, yet lose your soul?
Mett: OKAY, okay, yes….I know Jesus. Passover Jesus, sweet little baby Jesus, Touchdown Jesus…I love ‘em all. Help me out here
Tebow: k, run up to the line and do a jump pass to the TE. The Lord LOVES that play
Mett: Srs? k, hang on.
Tebow: Make sure to give praise to god and thank all your teammates and coaches
Mett: Wow…..can’t believe that worked!
Tebow: fuckin TOLD you!!!
Another, particularly strong effort by the O-line on this one
Mett: Hey guys, I’m group txting all our QBs whose names start with "M"
McCarron: Oh, hey dude, you in the pocket?
Manziel: Hey AJ, you still dating that Katherine Webb chick? She’s hot
McCarron: Nah, caught her making out with Brent Musberger. Too weird after that
Mariota: Sup dudes, how’d I get in on this? We ain’t SEC….hold up, just ran for a TD on UTenn again, brb
Manziel: HELL yeah, thas what I’m talking bout
Murray: Gurley is a BEAST
McCarron: you still in the pocket? Man, I used to grow facial hair back there, but Fluker, Jones and Warmack are really letting me down this yr
Mett: i TOLD u they’re gone and it would b different this yr
McCarron: whatevs….they still slackin. This ain’t respecting my Process
Marshall: Mett?? Just got this….I’m on the other sideline, can’t see u
Mett: I know, right? This pocket is FIERCE
Marshall: can’t talk now, gotta get ready to go back out there. When will that be, u think?
Mett: WHEN WE SCORE AGAIN that’s when
Murray: omg i luv Gurley so much, not even kidding
Manziel: Hey AJ, I heard you guys don’t get in trouble for autographing stuff
McCarron: True story. They cover all that with us when we get our Benz
Mett: Wait, what?
Manziel: man I shoulda went to Bama. College Station = lame.
Mett: yall get cars?
McCarron: Yall DON’T???
Manziel: god….I hate this place. Leaving asap.
Mariota: You STILL in the same play, Mett?
Mariota: damn….I just scored AGAIN omg UT is SO BAD HAHAHAHAHAA
Mett: You guys gotta see this thing....La’el Collins is now blocking all 11 AU guys
McCarron: lol @ auburn
Murray: ok, yes, I did make out with Gurley, but it was ONE TIME
Mett: Not kidding, I have 4 offensive linemen who were uncovered, all eligible down the field. I could throw ANY of them a td right now
Mariota: Throw it to all of them. That’s 28 pts on 1 play. That’s in our playbook, no lie
Marshall: Is it my turn yet?
Mett: NEAUX. SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE HELL UP
Mariota: Coach took me out, Ima go watch ur game. This 1 sux
McCarron: lol @ UT
Manziel: u better throw it soon, or you will get a delay of game
Mett: For realz? They can’t do that, right?
Manziel: haven’t been here long, but even we know Tom Ritter sniffs glue. I’d throw it.
McCarron: Ritter……where do I know that name from?
Murray: Gurley never called me after that. What u think it means?
McCarron: Oh yeah—Ritter—I’ve seen checks made out to him up in the AD’s office
Manziel: Think they’ll cut me some checks? I can sign pretty much anything like a BOSS with this permanent marker.
Mett: oops, game ended, gotta go
There’s lots more, but suffice it to say the NCAA doesn’t look kindly on this stuff. An amateur may not seek the help of a professional during the course of a game, and also the BRPD has a warrant out for him anyway, which cites that the LSU offense is like a high-end luxury sports car, and that texting while driving is definitely illegal. There’s going to be a whole SI article about it, released in 80 parts over the next fortnight.