Dawg Sports Bloggers Injured, Ejected at Annual Sacrificial Goat Roast

Goat Cake Sacrifice - TKK

A festive occasion turned sour when the Fourth Annual Dawg Sports Sacrificial Goat Roast was marred by penalties and injuries. The long-awaited day took an abrupt turn for the worse when site manager MaconDawg ceremonially cut the head off the specially-prepared goat cake, as this traditional carving produced a penalty flag and a season-ending injury.

The sacrificial goat sustained an inoperable torn NCL (noggin-connecting ligament) from MaconDawg’s knife, requiring the backup goat to be pressed into service and prompting Southeastern Conference officials present for the event to assess a 15-yard personal foul penalty against the site manager. The referee explained that, due to the longtime blogger’s targeting of the goat’s neck, MaconDawg would be ejected from the roast. The penalty was upheld on review.

MaconDawg’s ejection was met with jeers from the crowd, and vineyarddawg rose angrily to denounce the decision. In order to make his remarks a point of emphasis, vineyarddawg threw a balled-up napkin at a big-screen television. Naturally, this led to another flag, as vineyarddawg was penalized for targeting, put on notice, backed up half the distance from the Blind Pig Tavern, and ejected from the roast.

Due to the back-to-back targeting penalties against MaconDawg and vineyarddawg, respectively, the officiating crew decided that, to be on the safe side, they should also eject chuckdawg, podunkdawg, Just Some Dawg, and DavetheDawg, even though the latter community member was hundreds of miles away in the greater metropolitan Miami area (where, admittedly, he was targeting a stick of butter and a bottle of Jack).

Outraged by the injustice of the excessive penalty, vineyarddawg sat down angrily, and he broke his chair, he came right through his chair, a metal steel chair with about a six-inch cushion, he came right through it, and, upon landing awkwardly on the floor, he suffered a season-ending tear of his BCL (buttock/chair ligament).

As the party quickly came unraveled, NCT sprang into action, rushing to the nearest store to purchase an ice pack for vineyarddawg. Unfortunately, NCT shopped at Target, so, as soon as he paid for the ice pack, he was flagged for Targeting and ejected from the store. Injury was added to insult when NCT landed hard in the parking lot following his ejection and experienced a painful season-ending tear of his LCL (Latin-conjugating ligament).

This latest indignity infuriated chuckdawg, who headed down to the local firing range to blow off some steam. Unfortunately, no sooner had chuckdawg’s first round hit the bull’s-eye than he was flagged for targeting, penalized half the distance from the firing line, and double-secret ejected. SEC officials assessed an additional penalty for BWC (blogging while chuckdawg).

Back at the Blind Pig Tavern, podunkdawg was distraught that her carefully-planned shindig had collapsed so spectacularly. "Today was supposed to be special!" she wailed, and, as soon as she uttered the word "special", podunkdawg was hit in the head with a high snap, she muffed her attempt to catch the football as it ricocheted off her temple, she gave up a touchdown on a fake field goal attempt on the ensuing series after losing the resulting fumble, and she suffered a season-ending injury to her BBL (brownie-baking ligament).

What remained of the Dawg Sports staff shortly thereafter announced that Cherokee’s Grip would start the upcoming open date. The site’s acknowledged poet laureate promptly began work on a Georgia-based adaptation of Robert Frost’s "A Soldier", but, as she reworded the poem’s final line ("Further than target ever showed or shone"), she suffered a season-ending tear to her CGL (Cherokee’s Grip ligament).

Go ‘Dawgs!

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