FanPost

Cocktail Party to Be Determined by Literal Chess Match

Pieces from each team preparing for Saturday's match. - Photo taken by Alan Light

After a string of injuries left both teams questioning whether they would actually be able to find 22 healthy athletes to take the field in Jacksonville on November 2nd, the presidents of the University of Georgia and the University of Florida announced this morning that the schools' annual tilt will be determined by an actual game of chess.

"We all know that football is a violent game," said Florida President Bernie Machen at a joint press conference, "but we never thought that it would be violent enough to stop these two proud programs from facing each other on the field this fall. I'm just happy that Jere and I were able to find a compromise that will allow us to continue our long tradition of friendly competition."

"Plus, we're saving a fortune on equipment," added Georgia President Jere Morehead. "The athletic department's revenue projections for that weekend are through the roof!"

President Morehead's office has not responded to inquiries regarding rumors that he will propose replacing the school's baseball facilities with a Monopoly board.

Coaches Richt and Muschamp plan to spend the bye week learning the ins and outs of chess strategy, as both confessed to never having played the game in the past. Early reports indicate that Coach Richt was quickly grasping advanced tactics but felt a lack of connection with the pieces. He plans to hold a voluntary prayer breakfast with them this Friday.

Coach Muschamp also appears to be having some difficulty. Early reports indicate frustration with what he calls "fancy European checkers," and he has allegedly ripped several boards in half after losses to the graduate assistants who serve as practice partners. One assistant, who wishes to remain anonymous, claims that the coach refuses to move any piece more than one square at a time and has questioned bishops' manhood after being told that they could only move diagonally.

Fans of both teams are already calling for back-up kings to start.

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