We are two days away from genuine SEC football, and you’ve already seen my BlogPoll ballot, so now it’s time for me to rank the
twelve 14 teams of the Southeastern Conference for the SEC Power Poll, which is managed by the fine folks at Team Speed Kills. Without further fanfare, I bring you the toughest league in college football, from top to bottom slightly less top:
1. LSU Tigers: If you’re the No. 1 team in the country, that makes you the No. 1 team in the Southeastern Conference. That’s a new policy, by the way.
2. Alabama Crimson Tide: No, I’m not trolling for comments and links from message board conspiracy theorists who have their wives induce labor so the births of their children will not conflict with Paul Finebaum’s radio show; I genuinely think there is one---count it; one---team in the country better than ‘Bama. Please leave my trees alone.
3. South Carolina Gamecocks: If Garnet and Black fans are going to run simulations that have the Red and Black winning the national championship, I have to do something to get the contramojofication going, don’t I? Don’t you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby!
4. Georgia Bulldogs: I still don’t know how good this team is. On the one hand, the Classic City Canines’ starters are as talented as anyone’s, and the ‘Dawgs won ten games, beat all four major annual rivals, and captured the division last year. On the other hand, the Athenians are the thinnest team in the league, and the 2011 squad basically went meh-and-four. Second place in the depleted East seems about right.
5. Arkansas Razorbacks: If the Hogs finish higher than third in the West and fifth overall, John L. Smith will slap himself.
6. Florida Gators: Yes, I know it’s Will Muschamp’s second season, when all the great leaps forward are supposed to occur. The fact remains that the Sunshine State Saurians seem to be going out of their way not to have a starting quarterback. Is anyone else beginning to think Coach Muschamp is a loyal Bulldog, after all, who went to Gainesville as our secret agent to destroy the Gator program?
7. Auburn Tigers: The Plainsmen haven’t been playing football at the same level since some of their biggest boosters found themselves in a financial tight. I’m sure that’s just a coincidence.
8. Missouri Tigers: Toto, I have a feeling you’re not playing Kansas anymore. Welcome to Oz, gentlemen . . . the one that was set in a prison.
9. Mississippi St. Bulldogs: Dan Mullen has this program firmly entrenched as a perennial top five team . . . in the SEC West standings, that is.
10. Texas A&M Aggies: Perhaps the folks in College Station should’ve been more careful what they wished for, because they’re about to get it.
11. Tennessee Volunteers: Do you know what Georgia fans and Tennessee fans are going to have in common by Christmas? Both groups will be rooting for teams that used to be coached by Dooleys.
13. Kentucky Wildcats: How bad is Wildcat football? Fans are suggesting the use of minor league baseball promotional tactics to bring people to the stadium, and even Ashley Judd has better things to do this weekend.
14. Mississippi Rebels: I’m all for commemorating our Confederate heritage, but someone needs to let Ole Miss know that not every game plan has to be based on re-enacting George Pickett’s assault on Cemetery Ridge.
As always, your feedback is appreciated, and your sense of humor is obligatory. Let me know where I was right, and where I was wrong, in the comments below.