(communicator chirps)Vineyarddawg to Dawg Sports: After tonight's news, just about the only thing I'm capable of doing right now is curling up into the fetal position and quoting bad Star Trek movies. So I'm just going to run with that. Vineyarddawg out. (communicator chirps)
(The camera dissolves from the title page into the scene of a barren field. We can see a stranger, Rambok, approaching a shiftless hobo.)
Rambok (to hobo): Your stash runs deep.
Hobo: What do you know of my stash??
Rambok: Each man hides a secret stash. It must be exposed and reckoned with. It must be dragged from the darkness and forced into the light! Share your stash! Share your stash with me, and gain strength from the sharing!
Hobo: (produces stash)
(Camera cuts away - triumphant orchestral interlude)
(Camera returns - Rambok begins to walk away from Hobo)
Hobo: Where... did you get this power?
Rambok: Hey, man, it was your stash.
Hobo: It feels... as if a weight has been lifted from my pocket!! How the hell am I going to get some more?
Rambok: Join my quest.
Hobo: What is it you seek?
Rambok: What you seek. What all men have sought since the beginning of time. Shakari... the source... Heaven... Eden... call it what you will. To find it, I'll need a scooter and an alley to emerge from.
Hobo: But there are no people who emerge from alleys on scooters in A-CC!
Rambok: Have faith, my friend. There are more of us than you know. (unzips jacket, reveals a football jersey underneath)
Hobo: You're a football player!
Rambok: (nods) (laughs maniacally)
Meanwhile, in orbit around Earth:
(Scene cuts onto the bridge of the starship Bulldogprise. The regulars are there: Captain Richirk, First Officer Spocktham, and the crazy Doctor, usually known as Bobones. Everyone is nervous.)
Richirk: Dammit Bobones, I need you! Badly!
Spocktham: (Sighs heavily, rolls his eyes)
Bobones: Well, Spocktham, you haven't changed a bit. You're just as warm and sociable as ever.
Spocktham: Nor have you, doctor, as your continued predilection for irrelevancy demonstrates.
Bobones: (awkward pause) Well Jim... I hear Hines Ward is a coach now. Well, I'm gonna need a top assistant... not a coordinator who'll argue every little first and bomb with me. And he probably redesigned the whole green notebook, too! I know wide receivers, they LOVE to change things.
(suddenly, a huge unknown entity appears and start sucking all of the energy out of the Bulldogprise)
Richirk: What is that thing?
Spocktham: It's life, Captain, but not as we know it. Well, I mean, you probably knew it when you were at Miami before you went all "Jesus" on the world, but... (Realizes he's straying from the script. Shuts up.)
(Suddenly, a bald woman appears on the bridge.)
Richirk: Sinead O'Conner? What are you doing here?
Bald Woman: Silence. I am the probe of Tree'Ger. Tree'Ger is in the middle of a great
journey trip and commands you to stand aside so he can join with the creator.
Richirk: You want to become one with the creator? Man, I'm all about that. Let's have a seat over here...
Bald Woman: Richirk unit. I am not talking about boring Jesus crap. Tree'Ger has embarked upon a great trip and wishes to join with the creator.
Spocktham: Captain, I know what is happening.
Bobones: Spocktham, are you out of your defensive mind?
Spocktham: Tree'Ger thinks he must evolve. His knowledge has reached the limits of this sport and he must evolve. What he requires of his god, doctor, is the answer to his question, "Is there nothing more"?
Bobones: What more is there than SEC football, Spocktham?
Richirk: Other leagues. Higher levels of competition.
Spocktham: The desire for which cannot be proven logically. Therefore, Tree'Ger is incapable of believing in it. And joining with his creator might accomplish that.
Bobones: Touch God so he can play in the NFL? Tree'Ger's liable to be in for one hell of a disappointment.
Richirk: Well, Tebow did it.
Spocktham: Just shut up. I got this.
(walk over to Tree'Ger's probe, whispers into its ear)
Bald Woman: Fuck.
(Bald Woman disappears. Tree'Ger shuts down and tries to leave Earth as fast as possible)
Richirk: What did you say to her?
Spocktham: I simply told Tree'Ger that he had been selected for a random drug test.
Meanwhile, in A-CC, the county of galactic peace:
(Camera cuts to Rambok, who is galloping into the city. He is pursued by an army of hobos, whose stashes have all been "shared" with him, and who are all seeking retribution. He dismounts and runs to a communication transmitter.)
Rambok (opens channel to Spocktham): Spocktham! It's me! It's your old pal Rambok! After all these weeks, you've finally caught up with me! You gotta help me out, man.
Spocktham: (Sighs heavily. Stares in silence)
Rambok: Don't you have anything to say to me?
Spocktham: You have been... selected for a random drug test.
(drug tester enters the room)
Drug tester: Step away from that transmitter!