I Hate Auburn

I hate Auburn. - John Reed-US PRESSWIRE

No, seriously. I hate Auburn.

Ole Miss fans think they know about Hate Week. Vineyarddawg thinks he knows about Hate Week. Folks, let me tell you about Hate Week.

I hate Auburn.

I’m not one of those “friendly rivalry” types when it comes to the Deep South’s Oldest Rivalry. While I might like this or that individual fan of the Auburn Tigers on a personal level, I can’t stand the Plainsmen, their coaches, and their supporters as a group, so much so that I have been accused of authoring screeds when I have done nothing more sinister than to quote history accurately.

In my mind, the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets are an amusing afterthought held over from a bygone age and the Florida Gators are a nouveau riche passing evil over whom Georgia will assert dominance over the course of the next two decades. I hate Auburn worse than Florida and Georgia Tech combined.

The Tigers are our traditional season-ending rival. (Don’t give me that Iron Bowl crap; Alabama and Auburn didn’t even play for over four decades, while it literally takes a world war or the death of a player from injuries sustained on the field to prevent the Bulldogs from facing the Plainsmen on the gridiron.) Auburn is our oldest rival; Auburn is the rival we have faced most often; Auburn is the rival to whom we have lost most frequently. (The Tigers’ 54 series wins over the Red and Black dwarf the Gators’ 40 and the Yellow Jackets’ 39.)

Auburn handed Georgia the first loss in Red and Black history in 1892. Auburn handed Georgia the only losses of the 1942 and 1971 seasons, preventing the Bulldogs from winning an undisputed national title in the former campaign and an SEC crown in the latter autumn. Auburn handed Georgia the only loss of the 1983 season to halt the Bulldogs’ run of three straight conference titles. Auburn also gave the world these morons:

Such errors should not surprise us coming from a school that reverses scores on campus plaques and writes error-riddled letters from university administrators to students at other institutions, nor should miscreant behavior shock us when coming from the folks who turned the hoses on innocent fans in the stands and tolerated Nick Fairley’s barbarism.

These are just some of the reasons why I hate Auburn. I hate Auburn from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet. I hate Auburn in the pit of my stomach and the marrow of my bones and the depths of my soul and from the belly button outward in every direction. I hate Auburn downward to the center of the earth and upward to the heavens and at every point on the map. I hate Auburn for average and I hate Auburn for power. I hate Auburn currently and historically, latently and patently, generally and specifically, and jointly and severally. If hating Auburn were oil, I’d be Iraq.

I hate Auburn, and you should, too. Cherokee’s Grip has gotten the week off to a proper start, but that alone will not suffice. The Georgia Bulldogs have the chance to win a second straight Eastern Division championship with a victory on the Plains, and to even the series standings, 54-54-8, in the process. To have all this on the line against a rival so despised for so long that University of Georgia professors have paraphrased Cato the Elder in condemning the Tigers is to know what it means fully to be a Red and Black fan, and, therefore, I end this posting as all the good men and women of Bulldog Nation should this week of the year, above all others:

Go ‘Dawgs! Auburna delenda est!

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