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Auburn Really Does Suck: A Personal Narrative

With the abundance of hate that flowed from my fingers during the Florida week, I'm starting to feel almost unpatriotic for not posting anything about my deep contempt for Auburn, Georgia's oldest rival. Let me tell you my life story in terms of my hate for those War Tiger Eagle Plainsmen.

I was born to Tuscaloosa natives and proud alumni of the University of Alabama. Hating Auburn is in my blood. Even as a baby, I could tell just by looking at their colors that something was not right on the Plains. It only got worse as I attended my first Alabama-Auburn game in 1992 to find that their fans actually did yell "War Eagle." I thought that was just a joke my dad told. No, they really had no idea what their mascot was. I was left to do nothing but scratch my eight-year-old head.

Fast forward to high school. At the beginning of my senior year in 2002, the administration thought it would be a good idea to ask the seniors to wear the colors of the college they wanted to attend. We all obliged. The amount of Georgia shirts was bedazzling. At the end of the year, the administration once again asked the seniors to don their colors, this time of the college that they were actually going to attend. There was a lot more blue and orange in the senior section of the cafeteria this time around. Remember, in 2002 students could be eligible for the HOPE; UGA was the preferred destination for any right-minded high-school senior who wanted the "big state school" experience. Did Auburn offer each of these kids $180,000 to attend or were they just denied admission to UGA? Read into it what you will.

Disclaimer: The story above gives me no reason to hate Auburn; I just find it very funny and thought you would, too.

I was a student at UGA when we won the SEC in 2005. It was a glorious season minus the seemingly obligatory loss to Florida (not a problem anymore, thanks to Coach Larry) and a last-minute loss to that other disgusting team that wears blue (albeit of a different shade) and orange. Even though Georgia went on to win the SEC by beating an LSU team that had previously beaten Auburn, every Auburn fan I knew saw fit to trash Georgia, saying we didn't deserve that conference crown and how we backed into the title and blah blah blah. I had to stay off of facebook for a full week (quite the monumental task for a college student) following the SEC championship because many of my former classmates dressed in red and black and the beginning of our senior year in high school saw it as their duty to spew War-Eagle vitriol till the cows came home (no pun intended).

We beat them in 2006, spoiling any last chances they had at a national championship, and I heard no trash talk. Same goes for 2007, 2008, 2009 and... oh, yeah. It was 2010 when I really remembered why I hated Auburn so much. Unless you are two years old or younger, I'll spare you the recap as I'm sure you remember this hate-a-thon just as well as I do. If you are two or younger and reading this post, I tip my hat to you for both your precociousness and your hated of Auburn.

Still stewing like a crock pot full of Gordo's Cheese Dip from the 2010 debacle, last season's epic beatdown will forever be remembered as one of my favorite victories of Coach Richt's tenure. My hatred of Auburn was so powerful that it took me 364 days to forget that I... oh, wait, I still hate Auburn and loved watching them get piledriven into the Sanford Stadium turf all game long.

So, yes, I hate Auburn. I have since birth and will do so till death. One day, I'll pass that hate on to my unborn children, who will hopefully do the same for my unborn grandchildren. That's the special thing about rivalries, I guess.

__________________________

You and I might not share the same history of hating the Barners (although please share your stories in the comments) but let me sign off by sharing just a few more reasons why anyone who claims to love Georgia should hate Auburn.

1. They, like Florida, wear ugly colors and don't know what their mascot is.

2. Not only do they roll trees to celebrate a victory, those toilet-paper-covered trees represent among the most sacred of Auburn football traditions. That doesn't make it OK for Mr. Updyke to do what he did to them, but still. It is a very stupid tradition pastime for drunk, high-school boys.

3. They recruit Georgia well and have unleashed some of our state's finest on us. In recent memory, see Ronnie Brown and $cam Newton.

4. $cam Newton.

5. I'm still furious about the 2010 game. I'm sure you are, too. The names Nick Fairley and Trooper Taylor still make my blood boil.

6. Their fans are the quickest to talk trash when they win and the quickest into the closet when they lose. Yes, they are even worse than Florida fans, who did not know their school had a football team till 1990.

7. Auburn alumni in the Atlanta area are second in number only to UGA alumni. ATL-based Dawgs have to see Barn paraphernalia each and every fall to remind us of how much we hate them. Well, each and every fall except for this one. I was in town for a friend's wedding recently and didn't see a single AU logo on anything. Thanks, Vandy!

8. They hate Alabama more than they like Auburn. Sound like any other fanbase you know of?

9. Gene Chizik wears a barber's smock. I find that very strange.

10. Early Cuyler doesn't care for them.

Why do you not care for Auburn?

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