Chaos Numbers, by Sabine Sauermaul. - Public Domain
Let's get one thing straight: I hate Florida. It's not just a simple dislike, a harmonious discord, or even a deep, latent enmity. I hate Florida with the fire of a thousand suns being fueled by the fire of an additional thousand suns. In a world where my choices were to cheer for Florida or go blind, I'd start learning Braille. Most of the time, I am (relatively) civil while expressing this intense Gator hatred. For one week a year, though, I allow my hate to come out of the closet and be displayed in its raw, naked form. This is that week.
We're halfway there, Dawg fans. There are only 3 days left until our beloved Dawgs and the cult known as the Gators take the field in Jacksonville. The response from the entire Dawg Sports team has been great this week, and Kyle even rose to the occasion and delivered a 1985-style beatdown to Year2 of Team Speed Kills last night. Our regulars have gotten in on the action, too, with Cherokee's Grip delivering a second zinger in as many days. And on top of that, a special Hate Week Dawg Sports roundtable podcast will be going live at around 5:30 Eastern!
Now, though, we continue our long march towards a biblical ending to our season's championship hopes, and I continue my suitably biblical analogy, profiling our hatred of all that is the University of Florida. This edition is about the numbers. So, without further ado, let's get to it:
Now The Munson spake unto Musa Smith in the Wilderness of the county of Clarke, in the stadium of Sanford, on the first day of the ninth month, in the second year after they had come out of the year of 2010, saying: "Take a census of all the congregation of the children of Dawg Nation, by their families, by their fathers' SEC championship teams, according to the number of names, every male individually, from twenty-one years old and above; all who are able to go to war in Jacksonville. You and Aaron Murray shall number them by the quantity of kegs they have brought. And with you there shall be a man from every county in Georgia, each one with a head on his first beer from the tap of the keg.
These are the names of the men who shall stand with you: consuming a Reuben, Kwame Gathers; getting his Shimmy-on, Dancin' Damian Swann; yelling "You-dah man", Rhett McGowan; exiting from a bus while insisting "It's a car," Sanders Commings; from near Zebulon, Corey Moore; from the sons of Joseph Tereshinki: the "F ram," Faton Bauta; from Manassas (the second), Ethan Jackson, the one known as "Stonewall"; along with Benjamin Reynolds, Michael Benett; for when s*** goes Dan, Bacarri Rambo; back from the Ashes, Ken Malcome; eGad! it's Gurshall!; and increasing his Nap tally, John Jenkins." These were chosen from the congregation, leaders of their coaches' tribes, heads of the divisions in the Georgia Bulldog Nation.
Then Musa Smith and Aaron Murray took these men who had been mentioned by name, and they assembled all the congregation together on the twenty seventh day of the tenth month; and they recited their ancestry by families, by their fathers' houses, according to the number of names, from eighteen years old and above, each one individually. As The Munson commanded Musa, so he numbered them in the Wilderness of the Ville of Jackson:
- 4-0 - Georgia's record in its most recent 4 meetings with teams that had Will Muschamp as their defensive coordinator or head coach. This includes a 3-0 record against nationally-ranked teams. The 2011 Gators team was not ranked, but the following teams were:
2007 Auburn Tiglesmen (ranked #6) - Georgia, 45-20
2006 Auburn Tiglesmen (ranked #19) - Georgia, 37-15
2004 LSU Tigers (ranked #3) - Georgia, 45-16
- 1 - The number of sides of beef left uneaten by Charlie Weis upon his departure from Gainesville. He probably left it uneaten because it was sentient and playing at quarterback (Jacoby Brisket).
- Also 1 - The number of venues in which this series has been played where Georgia has a losing record. As laid out in yesterday's Hate Week entry, the Georgia-Florida game has been played in 6 different venues over the years. Georgia only posted a losing record (0-1-1) when the game was been played in Savannah. Heck, we're even batting .500 in The Swamp (1-1).
- 0 - The number of Gator fans who will get that Jacoby Brissett joke.
- Also 0 - The number of times a true sophmore at Florida has beaten Georgia (Pretty weak, but I hope to be updating this stat next year).
- Also 0 - The number of times Verne and Gary will comment on "how sober everybody looks" during the CBS telecast on Saturday.
- Also 0 - The number of times Will Muschamp has ever stood on the winning sideline in a Georgia-Florida game.
- 98,742 - The number of people who will be wearing jorts in Jacksonville on Saturday
- About 30% - the percentage of those jort-wearers who will both have tickets and manage to stumble into the stadium for the game.
- ALL. OF. THEM. - The number of girls from Georgia who will look prettier than the girls from Florida on Saturday. (Note: It is mathematically impossible to look prettier than when a lovely young lady is wearing red and black.)
- Threeve - The exact quantity of alcohol that will be collectively consumed between today and Saturday along the 75 mile corridor between Jacksonville, FL, and St. Simons Island, GA.
- $Texas - The exact amount of money Georgia fans would gladly pay (not to student athletes, though, of course) to once again experience a multi-game win streak against the scaly menace from Gainesville.
Then Musa Smith commended his charges, "Evil must be opposed! Now go whip the Gators!" Thus the warriors of the Bulldog Nation did; according to all that The Munson commanded Musa, so they did.
Go Dawgs! Beat Florida!