For those of us who choose to imbibe, spirits can be a great companion for celebrating a victory and a helpful tool for surviving a loss. As I did last week, I present you with an option for each as the Georgia Bulldogs prepare to take on the South Carolina Gamecocks.
When Georgia Wins:
If you ask me, the chances that you'll be needing this portion of the feature are pretty slim. Nothing in the world would make me happier, but I just can't see it. However, in the unlikely event that we do win, I suggest you toast with a little....
First off, its got a big honkin' chicken on it. And we all know how much South Carolina loves those big honkin' chickens. Plus, ya'll know we love to do some drankin' and for the price of a good bottle of wine, you can get like 12 of these. There's just something special about grocery store wine for $5 a bottle. Gulping from a nice tall glass of Rex Goliath says "I think I'm a lot better than I really am!".... and that just works on several different levels at the moment, doesn't it? Select whichever bottle suits your fancy. But if you buy the Merlot, make sure to chill it in the refrigerator first. That's how the classy people do it.
So should we find a way to beat South Carolina, lets all sit back, raise our sophisticated pinkies high, and toast to the possibility that maybe we're better than we thought we were... and not the other way around.
Where You Can Get Your Hands On It: Your local grocery store or from the housewives in any suburban neighborhood.
When Georgia Loses:
In the more likely event that Georgia comes out and displays the same problems we saw against Boise, I'll recommend what I suggested in tankertoad's post-game venting thread. Just get it over with already:
(A note from our lawyers... or rather, what I imagine our lawyers might say: RedCrake and DawgSports do not condone the consumption of paint thinner for suicidal or recreational purposes. This post is a joke. Paint thinner isn't. It WILL kill you.)
Where You Can Get Your Hands On It: Why... Lowe's & Home Depot, of course!
Now, say your team has just gone 0-2 in the most embarrassing manner possible... and you want the same basic flavor and effect of paint thinner, but without that pesky death stuff. In that case may I recommend:
Mix it with juice, make yourself some punch, soak a watermelon in it overnight.... hell, I don't care, drink it straight if you've got the guts. I would, however, recommend that you stay away from any open flames for approximately 12 hours after consuming.
Where You Can Get Your Hands On It: liquor store of your choice, next to where your self-respect used to be.
So drink up Dawg fans!
Please feel free to review the suggestions, refer me to your local mental healthcare professional, and share how you may be trying to forget this weekend in the comments.