Thanks to T. Kyle King and the many Georgia fans for a fun build-up to the Boise State - Georgia game. We will schedule you guys instead of Oregon any day of the week. Kyle was nice enough to agree to a blog wager between our two sites, and here I have come to collect. Go Broncos and go Bulldogs.
Inspired by a true movie story ...
Location: Gold storage facility, Athens, 2005
Scene: A crew of Boise State Broncos led by Jared Zabransky attempt to pull off a heist of 35 million dollars in gold bullion from a storage facility in Athens, Georgia. Ian Johnson waits in the getaway vehicle with Chris Myers.
Myers: So ... do you like any girls?
Just then, a loud explosion echoes through the night sky. Jared Zabransky, Marty Tadman, and Chris Petersen emerge from the compound with a forklift of gold that they drive into the bed of the heavy duty pickup.
Zabransky: Drive, Ian! Drive!
Myers: No hump!
The group speeds away, outside the city limits and pulls over on the side of the road.
Tadman: Wow, what a haul!
Johnson: That was amazing!
Zabransky: What are you guys going to do with your share of the money?
Myers: Probably buy the affections of star athletes. Er, I mean BLING AND CRISTAL!
As they are speaking, a black van pulls up alongside the group. D.J. Shockley and Mark Richt get out with military-grade weapons and point them at the group of Broncos. The Boise State players reach for their guns only to find they are missing.
Petersen: Where are our guns?
Zabransky (holding guns): Looking for these?
Zabransky gives all the guns to the Georgia guys.
Myers: But why, Vitamin Z? I thought we were friends.
Zabransky shoots Chris Myers.
D.J. Shockley: You guys really thought you could come in here and take our gold from us? Man, what is wrong with you. My man Zabransky over here played you for fools all along.
Everyone looks at Zabransky who is checking out his biceps in the passenger-side door mirror.
Mark Richt: This is only the beginning of great, great things for us and definitely not Liberty Bowl losses to UCF. You'll see!
Shockley: Throw the gold in the van and let's get outta here.
Zabransky, Shockely, and Richt leave in the van with all the gold. Chris Myers is dead.
Petersen: Mark my words. Those guys are going to get what's coming to them. It may be one year from now, it may be six years from now at a not-so-neutral site, but we will have our revenge. No one pulls one over on us like that.
Chris Myers: Avenge me, too!
Petersen: Oh yeah. And we'll have revenge for Jay Glazer.
Myers: I'm not Jay ...
Chris Myers is dead.
Six years later ...
Location: Abandoned warehouse, Atlanta, Georgia, 2011
Scene: Ian Johnson, Chris Petersen, Kellen Moore, and OBNUG meet up to discuss their takedown of Mark Richt, Jared Zabransky, and gang.
Petersen: After six years of waiting, we finally have our chance to get revenge for that Georgia debacle. I have tracked Zabransky and Richt to a location in Atlanta. They used the gold bars to purchase the Georgia Dome, buy shares in a CFL franchise, start a series of P.F. Chang's franchises, and enlist the help of several NFL-ready bodyguards and goons. Their place is nearly impenetrable, but I have a plan.
Moore: I came prepared. I broke down tape on all the Ocean's Eleven movies and staged my own fake casino heist at the Bellagio for charity. We cured freckles.
OBNUG: I packed an extra pair of underwear, just in case.
Petersen: OK, let's get down to business. Now, the plan has two stages. In the first stage, we'll need Kellen to seduce Mark Richt so that he gives us the security codes to the garage of the Georgia Dome. Think you can handle that, Kellen?
Moore: I'm on it.
Moore whips out his cell phone. It's a Razr. He dials Mark Richt.
Moore: Hey there, Mark. It's me, Kellen Moore. Listen, I was wondering if I could come over and get some advice on preparing for life as an NFL quarterback.
Richt: Oh yeah. That makes complete sense, seeing as how you graduated last year. Come on over. The garage code is 1234.
Moore hangs up.
Petersen: Excellent. Now for stage two. We want to rob these guys just as bad as they robbed us six years ago. What's the best way to do that?
Johnson: Steal all their money.
Petersen: Bingo. Plus, I thought we'd get Mark Richt fired by telling his employer that he's in over his head and surfs the Internet on company time. Sound good?
Petersen: All right, let's do this.
Scene: Outside the Georgia Dome.
Petersen: OK, I'm going to input this garage door code, and Ian and Kellen are going to race in there, grab the gold, and get out. Here, drive these Mini Coopers. They handle great and they're surprisingly roomy.
Johnson and Moore hop into a pair of blue Mini Coopers, Chris Petersen throws the garage door open, and they rush inside. Aaron Murray and Isaiah Crowell show up in Hummer H3s and try to crush Moore and Johnson. Just then, from out of nowhere comes Shea McClellin driving an amphibious car, smashes into Murray and Crowell, and lets Moore and Johnson escape.
OBNUG: That one's for the Craig Sager guy!
Johnson and Moore locate the safe. Moore picks the lock with ESP and because Mark Richt used the same code on the garage door as he did on the safe. Johnson and Moore load the gold into the vehicles and speed away.
Petersen (talking on a radio): Great job, guys. Now for the hard part. We need to rendezvous at the airport. Richt and Zabransky are sure to have guys everywhere looking for you. We need a major distraction. We need to create the largest traffic jam in Atlanta history. Ideas?
OBNUG: I know. We can tell Atlanta residents that the ghost of Vince Dooley has come back and will be racing the No. 3 car at a local NASCAR event. First 20,000 people get free BBQ bibs.
Petersen: Great work! Let's do it.
The streets of Atlanta immediately fill with cars. Moore and Johnson in their Mini Coopers speed around the traffic.
Meanwhile, Zabransky and Richt are eating lunch at one of their P.F. Chang's restaurants. Just when the lettuce wrap apps are about to arrive, Richt's phone rings.
Richt: Oh no! We've had a break-in. It must be those Boise State guys.
Richt: I've got a chopper in the sky so we can follow their progress. Look, they're speeding through downtown toward the airport.
Zabransky: Quick! What are we going to do?
Herschel Walker enters.
Herschel Walker: Have you tried P90X?
Herschel Walker leaves.
Richt: I know!
Richt calls Brandon Boykin who throws tack strips onto the sidewalks where Moore and Johnson are driving. Both drivers are forced to take evasive maneuvers that make them change route and lose valuable time.
Zabransky: That worked great! What next?
Richt: I have no idea. Probably shouldn't do that again, though.
Petersen: Kellen and Ian, you have to shake that copter. It's the only thing left between us and sweet revenge.
Moore: I'm on it, coach.
Moore pops the sunroof off the Mini Cooper, grabs a football from the jockey box, steers with his knees, and gets a read on the copter. He notices a surprisingly large gap between the rotor blades and the helicopter body - an empty zone, if you will.
Moore: Well, shoot. This thing is probably going to bring down itself before long. Still ...
Moore throws a perfect spiral toward the helicopter, striking the blade and sending the helicopter into a tailspin.
Petersen: Nice shot, Kellen!
Moore and Johnson pull into the airport where the rest of the team awaits. They load the stolen money into the plane and climb aboard.
OBNUG: This one's for you, Armen Keteyian.
Mark Richt gets fired two weeks later. Jared Zabransky moves to Canada. Scene.