Professional obligations last night and this morning kept me from my usual Friday programming responsibilities. Ironically, those professional duties had me on the campus of Georgia State University early this morning, where I talked to a couple of professional colleagues for whom I have a great deal of respect. Imagine my surprise when I got back and found that Dawg Sports was playing host to a few Georgia State sports fans who seem unable to understand the distinction between Kyle's disdain for Bill Curry (who by the way has always been quite cordial to me, perhaps because he thinks I'm his nephew Lamar) and his respect for Georgia State as a sterling example of Georgia's fine system of public higher education.
I prefer to think that these guys are not representative of their fellow Panthers, who by and large are probably capable of discerning subtle humor, gracefully accepting grudging respect, and mastering basic personal hygeine. But if that's not the case, allow me to explain in little itty-bitty words that anyone can understand. If we were insulting you, Panther fans, you'd know it. Because it would look a lot like this:
- Why is Georgia State called a "commuter college"? Because calling it "30,000 potential assault victims in a 10 block radius" just isn't quite as catchy.
- Georgia State students using Yahoo! answers aren't as obviously dense as incoming Valdosta State students using the same site. Their average SAT score however still trails that of their coevals in Athens by better than 200 points though.
- Which reminds me, what do Georgia State students and University of Georgia students have in common? They both hoped to spend their college years in Athens.
- What do the University of Georgia football team and the Georgia State football team have in common? Both may be in the Liberty Bowl in 2013, but only Panther fans will consider it an accomplishment.
- Why did Georgia State choose Bill Curry as its first football coach? Because the search committee recognized Rod Barnes when he dropped off his resume.
- Georgia State's new cross-enrollment program with Emory has been a huge success. Especially for all the Georgia State students standing on the sidewalk raking in spare change from Emory students who think they're helping the homeless.
- Georgia State's current President has vowed to decisively raise academic standards. In 3 minutes of research I was unable to determine whether this involves switching from crayons to pencils, luring randy Georgia Tech undergrads from down the street with the promise of female companionship, beginning a study abroad program in Douglasville, or all of the above.
- How many Georgia State grads does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't know. Why don't you go ask one of the Georgia State grads working part-time at Home Depot stores across the greater Atlanta area and get back to me.
Again, I have immense respect for Georgia State, which is home to some of our state's premier academic research facilities. GSU boasts a vibrant, diverse student population which even makes room for reading impaired sports fans with colossal chips on their narrow little shoulders. I wouldn't dream of insulting such an institution. But if I were going to mindlessly and unfairly insult that vibrant student population, the above is how I would do it. Just a heads up.
But fear not Georgia State fans. I only wrote the above exemplar because as a Georgia fan I'm threatened by your school's rising profile in all things educational, athletic, ecumenical, culinary and sexual. It's a Panther's world, the rest of us are just standing around in it waiting for our french fries. Fear not GSU'ers, you princes of Courtland Street, kings of the MARTA station. The aspersions of lesser universities are merely the price of your excellence. On the road to prominence across the length and breadth of the I-285 corridor, everybody must get stoned:
Good luck this season, Panthers. And . . .