A Modest (Read: Humorous) Proposal for Resolving the Georgia Bulldogs' Mascot Conundrum

Like Colonel John "Hannibal" Smith, I love it when a plan comes together. The pertinent facts are these:

• Uga is dead, and we don’t feel so good ourselves
• We will not have a new Uga in place prior to the start of the 2011 college football season
• The Georgia Bulldogs’ first mascot was a goat, who appeared at games wearing a "G" blanket on his back and a hat with red and black ribbons
• Plans are underway for the Second Annual Dawg Sports Sacrificial Goat Roast

Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

That was a rhetorical question. You are. You know you are. Deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you don’t like the fact that you are, but that doesn’t change the fact that you are.

I’m not going there, though, am I? Oh, yes, I am:

I say we get ourselves a goat. Dress him up in his traditional garb, and put him on the sideline in the Georgia Dome. Let him serve as our interim mascot for the first part of the season. Keep him in that position as long as the ‘Dawgs stay undefeated.

As soon as Georgia loses a game, kill the goat and eat him. If the new Uga isn’t ready by then, let Russ resume his now-routine mantle as interim mascot, but, otherwise, keep the goat as long as we’re winning, then kill him and eat him when we lose.

When I outlined this idea to my wife the other night, her response was: "I was with you ‘til the ‘eating him’ part." That, though, is a critical portion of the plan. First of all, eating animal sacrifices is a part of the ritual. Secondly, Georgia has laws against animal cruelty, and, if you kill a goat without the intention of eating him, you’re just a meanspirited goat murderer, and Bulldog Nation has enough problems without us all becoming a roving band of unrepentant crazed goat killers. Finally, there is a college football precedent for such a thing:

In fact, Bevo became too expensive for the University of Texas to maintain, so he was fattened up, slaughtered and eaten at a 1920 football banquet. According to evidence, the A&M team was served the side of the steer they branded and given the hide, which still had the branding of 13-0 on it.

That’s right; the Texas Longhorns inaugurated the practice of killing and eating a college mascot in 1920 . . . coincidentally (or not?), the year the Red and Black first began using the nickname "Bulldogs" on a permanent basis.

That’s my suggestion, then: revive the tradition of a goat mascot, keep it while we win, then kill it and eat it when we lose. Who’s with me?

Come on, now; you were thinking it, too. Don’t deny. Hey, it’s not like I suggested eating a dead Uga or anything. That would be weird.

No, really, you got a better idea? Well, let’s hear it, then, smart guy, ‘cause we’ve got to do something. We’re seeing players declared academically ineligible and former players arrested for DUI and dudes hitting buildings with scooters, so we can’t just sit back and act like everything’s all hunky-dory!

Yeah, well, fine. Be that way, then. But don’t blame me; it was tankertoad’s idea!

Go ‘Dawgs!