Tonight we answer the question: Who is the greatest nation on Earth? USA or Guadeloupe?

Editorial note: The title of this post is taken from a Simpsons quote. Please don't get your boxers in a bunch over it.

TL;DR:  In-game thread for USA soccer tonight!  Fox Soccer Channel (619 on DirecTV), kickoff at or around 9:00 Eastern.  And here's a picture of something shiny.
Shiny. (Via)



Now is the summer soccer of our discontent.  A scant 10 days ago, the month of June seemed filled with hope and promise.  A new season was upon us, and a new Gold Cup tournament was about to start with the allure of a Confederations Cup birth on the line for the winner.  And yes, we hoped, and even expected, that the USA would be winning that birth.

Then, we got pureed into gazpacho by Spain on June 4, providing a very bitter apéritif just 3 days before the Gold Cup kicked off.  Following that, we got run off the road into the canal ditch by an upstart Panamanian team.  We did beat Canada in between those two games, but this is not hockey, and unless we're talking about Don Cherry again, Canada sucks.

The best thing aboot this game, there’s no Russians or Swedes playing.  (This is an actual Don Cherry quote, eh.)


So, tonight, we go into our final Group C match against the French overseas département of Guadeloupe needing a win or a draw to advance to the knockout round.  ("Overseas département" is basically a fancy French way of saying that Guadeloupe is just like Hawai'i is for the U.S.; it's a part of the country that's just as much a part of the country as the continental part is... it's just physically located across the ocean. So, that would kind of be like having a Hawaiian national soccer team, which would be stupid... but I digress.)

Guadeloupe is winless so far, but still has some skin in this game, since a win by 2 or more goals, combined with a likely Panama win over Canada, would see them go through.  Guadeloupe will know whether it has a chance before the match starts, because the Panama-Canada match is being played immediately before the USA-Guadeloupe game on the same field.

Guadeloupe isn't as bad as you might think, either.  Despite being French, they actually have a decent team. Because they are not a separate country (and not a separate part of FIFA), Guadeloupean players are eligible to also play for the French national team, and certain notable players have done so, such as Thierry Henry, Lillian Thuram, William Gallas, and Louis Saha.  Fortunately, however, we will be facing none of those players tonight. Many of the players on this team do play in various levels of professional football in France, England, and Portugal, however, and their captain plays for Sporting Kansas City in MLS.

These guys are not chopped liver, but in order to regain our swagger, we must beat them as though they were.  I personally will not be satisfied unless the USA wins by a score of 4-0 or greater.  (There ain't a chance in hell that this will happen, mind you, and I'll accept any win... but I won't be happy about it.)

Let's cheer them on together... and if the night turns sour, we can curse them together, as well!  Victory or death utter humiliation!


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