This week's version of the SEC Power Poll Ballot is brought to you by one too many viewings of Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. You're welcome, Dawg Sports?
1) Florida: Not the #1 seed in the upcoming SEC tournament for nothing. Billy Donovan's a wise man. Like a miniature Buddha, covered in hair gel.
2) Kentucky: Ended the year on a 5-1 run, with the sole blemish being an overtime defeat at Arkansas. Stay classy, Wildcats.
3) Vanderbilt: The Commodores are headed in the opposite direction from the Wilcats, having dropped 3 out of their final 4 heading into the conference tournament. But they do own many leatherbound books and smell of rich mahoganey, so that's nice.
4) Alabama: Blown out at Florida before defending their home court against Georgia. Alabama may need some wins in the SEC tournament and some help from other Bubble-sitters to make the Big Dance. Nothing about this team really revs my engine, but they play enough defense and hit enough shots to get the job done. When JaMychal Green is on, they're that much better. I don't quite know how to put this, but, he's kind of a big deal.
5) Georgia: Again the Hoop Hounds are demonstrably not as good as the teams above them, and empirically proven to be better than the teams below them. The guys from the Classic City are good enough to get into the tournament, but I don't know that they're good enough to go anywhere once they get there. Still, given recent program history, an at large bid to the tournament that was secured without the aid of questionable money orders and without the Dawgs' coach leaving for Lexington, Kentucky soon afterwards would have to be considered a win.
6) Tennessee: Every time I see Bruce Pearl's orange-clad ass on television I think "I didn't know the Salvation Army was having a sale." At this point in the season some scandal and loss-weary Tennessee fans are thinking " I'm gonna shoot you with a BB gun when you're not looking. Yep, back of the head." Because Volunteer Staters love the use of marginally nonlethal force on authority figures. And that's a scientific fact.
7) Mississippi State: A sizable number of Power Poll voters picked MSU as a possible surprise team to come out of nowhere and win the SEC tournament. I was one of them, and though I doubt it will happen (because I doubt Rick Stansbury's team can be that consistent, even for a weekend), if it does happen there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And Renardo Sidney will dance till the sun rises. Then punch somebody.
8) Ole Miss: Like having your face smashed into a car windshield, then waking out of the ensuing coma to find that the guy who did it is out with your mother for a nice steak dinner and never called her again.
9) Arkansas: How should Arkansas fans deal with the Razorbacks late season woes, including losses this past week to both Ole Miss and Missy State? Scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Or they couldtake out large newspaper ads urging the firing of John Pelphrey. But I'd go with scotch.
10) South Carolina: The South Carolina offense is an enigma. 60% of the time, it works every time. The other 40% smells like a used diaper filled with Indian food. Poor guardplay smells like that to some people.
11) Auburn: Apparently not as overwhelmingly crappy at basketball as LSU. Who knew? How'd they do that? I hate Auburn but heck, I'm not even mad; that's amazing.
12) LSU: Lost to Auburn? St. Damien's Beard!