Opening day tomorrow!!! Christian Glisson (January 31, 2011)
College baseball season is upon us! At 5:00 this afternoon, Valdosta State takes on Georgia Southwestern in Americus, thereby signaling the start of spring on college diamonds throughout the land!
Well, on some college diamonds, that is. At Division II schools like Valdosta State, teams are free to commence competition, but Division I schools like Georgia have to wait because of the affront that is the uniform start date.
The uniform start date was foisted upon the rest of us by whiny Big Ten crybabies who think it should be our problem that they were stupid enough to build their universities in places where it snows all the dadgum time. Hey, actions carry consequences, you pretentious bunch of gasbags, and, if you choose to set up shop close to Canada, you need to expect that some of us are going to be ready to start playing baseball sooner than you. We’re not asking y’all to monkey around with hockey season to accommodate us, are we?
But no, these Big Ten buttinskis who enjoy lecturing the rest of us on our behavior even when it’s completely within the rules aren’t content to practice the form of tolerance that tells us to live and let live; they have to tell us what to do, secure in the knowledge that, if they allow different people in different places to make the decisions that seem best to them, widespread freedom and respect for diversity might start breaking out all over the place, and these pompous Puritans in the Midwest will have none of that!
As even advocates of the uniform start date acknowledge, Division I college baseball’s artificially-delayed opening day has some problems, including serious scheduling issues that reduce the frequency and quality of intersectional matchups in a condensed schedule. Nevertheless, the Big Ten has gotten its way, and, now that everyone in Division I college baseball has to wait ‘til the same date to start playing, the playing field has been leveled, right?
Uh, not exactly. The Baseball America preseason top 25 includes two teams from Arizona, four from California, three from Florida, two from Louisiana, three from South Carolina, one from Tennessee, five from Texas, and one from Virginia. Connecticut, New York, Oklahoma, and Oregon each contributed one team to the rankings; the Big Ten states of Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Michigan, Minnesota, Nebraska, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin between them contributed exactly none.
Maybe that’s not fair, though. Perhaps they don’t care that much about college baseball in Big Ten states like Nebraska . . . except, of course, for the fact that they play the College World Series in Omaha. It could be that it isn’t possible to build a quality college baseball program in such unfavorable climes as Wisconsin . . . except, of course, for the fact that Division III Wisconsin-Whitewater is a preseason top five team. It’s entirely possible that the disparities in weather simply are too extreme this time of year . . . except, of course, for the fact that Atlanta basically was shut down for a week by a snowstorm just last month.
In sum, the uniform start date represents an unnecessary overregulation that has created novel problems, failed to fix the supposed ill it was intended to correct, and allowed a vocal minority of grumpy fussbudgets and bombastic busybodies to deprive the rest of us of an extra few weeks of baseball because they can’t stomach the fact that those of us who live in the hospitable regions of the country are just better at the national pastime than they are.
Due to this feculent bunch of Big Ten weenies, the rest of us have to wait for the baseball we otherwise would be able to enjoy. Thanks for nothing, you hockey pucks.