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Dawglicious' Guide to Practical Cats

With apologies to T.S. Eliot.

 

The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter

It isn't just one of your pre-holiday games.

You may think at first that I'm Mad as the Hatter

When I tell you a Cat must have THREE DIFFERENT NAMES.

First of all, there are the names the Auburn Family hold dear like a hug

Such as Pat Sullivan, Bo, or Lionel James

Such as Takeo or Cadillac, Rocker or Shug,

Most of them sensible, memorable names.

There are fancier names with which they hold court,

When they think of their exploits in yesterday's games,

Such as the Plainsmen, War Eagles, or Wartiglesmen for short,

Some of them sensible, but fanciful names.

But I tell you, a Cat needs a name, one that will make

A really good headline when one messes up

And they dredge up your pants from the bottom of a lake

Or set an unassailable record in the great Fulmer Cup

Of names of this kind, I can give you a bunch

Such as Lowder or Ramsey, Terry or Dye

A quarterback's knees, a Fairley sickening crunch

Names that will never sound like sugar falling out of the sky

But above and beyond, there's still one name left over

And that is the name the NCAA will never guess

The name that no investigative research will discover

BUT THE CAM CAT HIMSELF KNOWS, and will never confess

When you notice that Cat in salary mediation

The reason I tell you is always the same

His mind is engaged in rapt calculation, of the thought, of the thought, of the thought

Of his Price Name

His ineffable, F'able, effin' inF'inable, and inscrutable, singular Price Name.

 

Woof.

 

 




 

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