With apologies to T.S. Eliot.
The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter
It isn't just one of your pre-holiday games.
You may think at first that I'm Mad as the Hatter
When I tell you a Cat must have THREE DIFFERENT NAMES.
First of all, there are the names the Auburn Family hold dear like a hug
Such as Pat Sullivan, Bo, or Lionel James
Such as Takeo or Cadillac, Rocker or Shug,
Most of them sensible, memorable names.
There are fancier names with which they hold court,
When they think of their exploits in yesterday's games,
Such as the Plainsmen, War Eagles, or Wartiglesmen for short,
Some of them sensible, but fanciful names.
But I tell you, a Cat needs a name, one that will make
A really good headline when one messes up
And they dredge up your pants from the bottom of a lake
Or set an unassailable record in the great Fulmer Cup
Of names of this kind, I can give you a bunch
Such as Lowder or Ramsey, Terry or Dye
A quarterback's knees, a Fairley sickening crunch
Names that will never sound like sugar falling out of the sky
But above and beyond, there's still one name left over
And that is the name the NCAA will never guess
The name that no investigative research will discover
CAM CAT HIMSELF KNOWS, and will never confess
When you notice that Cat in salary mediation
The reason I tell you is always the same
His mind is engaged in rapt calculation, of the thought, of the thought, of the thought
His ineffable, F'able, effin' inF'inable, and inscrutable, singular