An Open Letter: A Few Things T. Kyle King Should Know About Auburn

Dear Kyle,

Normally I'd use my weekly forum to discuss our upcoming opponent in absurd fashion, as I attempt to bring my version of humor to the blog. However, this week I felt compelled to address an issue which has been festering here at Dawgsports for quite some time. You've always encouraged a wide variety of viewpoints and perspectives on the blog and you've created an environment in which the writers here feel like equal stakeholders. It is in the spirit of that atmosphere that I feel I must call you out...

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You, sir, are a hater. And not just any hater, but the ringleader of a group of haters whose egregious bashing on Auburn University is born only from your ignorance about one of college football's historically elite programs. For the good of the Georgia fanbase and this blog, I feel it is my responsibility to tell you why you are wrong about Auburn. I hope that by the time you finish reading this, you understand why it is critical for us to accept the reality that the Tigers are the pinnacle of the SEC and that continuing to belittle their achievements and accomplishments only serves as a distraction from what should be our demand for a better football program. Once I'm through, it is my sincerest prayer that you will be "all in" (to borrow a phrase from our brethren to the west) with my belief in the need for peace and compromise between the Dawgs and the Tiglesmen...

Over that last few years, you've focused so much of your energy on your distaste for the Tigers that it has been quite a chore to sort through it all. Since my hatred doesn't extend beyond the Gainesville city limits (and my history with Auburn is somewhat limited), I'm going to focus on your more recent diatribes. I'll try to keep it as organized as possible and I'll attempt to keep my counterpoints and commentary brief. With that said, my points regarding your feelings toward Auburn are these:

1) Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

You, T. Kyle King, take every opportunity to emphasize your belief that Auburn is nothing but a bunch of dirty, rotten, lying bastards. You, sir, are wrong. If you'd take a moment to look at each incident one at a time (and not as a complete body of work), I think you'd find that there are legitimate reasons and motivations for each. Take, for example, your insistence that Auburn practices chop-blocking. Isn't it possible that their cleats simply don't have adequate grip? Perhaps the grass at Jordan-Hare is being overwatered and doesn't provide proper traction. I bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, don't you Kyle?

Here is a list I compiled of possible explanations for various Auburn offenses:

  • Picking the Hedges - Come on, Kyle! They were just pruning them! I have it on pretty good authority that each one of those students was majoring in horticulture.... or maybe it was part of their community service... I can't remember which.
  • Turning the hoses on UGA fans in the stands in 198? - Who can even remember? I mean really, Kyle. Maybe they thought ya'll were covered in hot lava. Maybe an Auburn student saw the hose, believed it to be a giant snake, and began wrestling it. Its certainly not worth fussing over.
  • Trooper Taylor jumping around like a damn hyena spinning that towel - Maybe Trooper has the mental capacity of a 3 year old and believes if he spins the towel fast enough he'll fly away. Dang, Kyle, now you're making fun of the handicapped!
  • I'm not even going to address the article regarding Auburn's academic rankings being inflated except to say that Auburn is a bastion of educational excellence known world-wide for its rigor and rigid standards. And that article was printed in the New York Times. Are you a Commie, Kyle? Huh, are ya?
  • Nick Fairley grinding his facemask into Aaron Murray's chin/Diving for knees/Bodyslamming - Perhaps Fairley has a medical condition wherein his head is too large for his body, thus throwing off his balance and making it impossible for him to reverse motion once it has begun in a certain direction.
  • And those four Auburn players that broke into that residence weren't committing armed robbery, Kyle. They were scouting it out for either a clothing-optional rave or a new episode of Extreme Home Makeover.

Sure, some of these are in jest. But I say the point stands.

Also, I'd be remiss not to mention the transgressions of our own Georgia Bulldogs. What of the occasional moped traffic ticket? What of Knowshon's noise violation? What of the notion that college students at OUR University, Kyle, are drinking alcohol underage and are now smoking marijuana cigarettes?!?!?!? Did Mark Richt not self-report secondary violations involving butt dialing? Did our players not dance on the sideline, Kyle? Did they not go across the sideline and then stand there, Kyle? The fact that you allow your incorrect perceptions of the fine young men and coaches of Auburn to taint your opinion while giving our boys a pass for the exact same behavior is completely out of line.

2) NCAA Sanctions

I'd like to take a moment to address the NCAA. You make a point of listing Auburn's NCAA penalties like a badge of honor on a regular basis. But let me ask you this Kyle: When has the NCAA ever handled a disciplinary situation correctly? Did they appropriately punish that jersey selling thug wide receiver of ours last year? Hell no! So how are you gonna turn around and criticize Auburn for any of the transgressions of the past when we know the NCAA never gets it right when it comes to Auburn? Heck the NCAA never gets it right with anybody! So for you to use their findings to support your argument is simply ridiculous.

While we're at it, I've had about enough of the Cam Newton nonsense:

Cecil Newton’s request for $180,000 from the Mississippi St. Bulldogs burned any bridges that would’ve led him to Starkville, I was told, so he came to Auburn, where the coaching staff didn’t know what they were getting, and wouldn’t have risked their careers by doing something so dumb.

They’re mad at us because we don’t buy that.

Don't buy what Kyle? I mean, here you have a kid who does all the right things. Works hard, makes good grades, attempts to familiarize himself with computing technology... gets into a great school called Blinn Junior College. Works his tail off and comes out of nowhere onto the national scene. He thinks about signing with Mississippi State but, due to their long history of developing NFL ready quarterbacks, decides to head to Auburn. He goes on to win a National Championship and the Heisman Trophy. He literally gets injured after every play but drags himself up off the turf to lead his team to victory. And he does all this with amazing grace and class. Dammit Kyle! The kid's a gentleman and a scholar! Lay off!

In yet another example of your ridiculous vendetta against Auburn, (regarding the HBO special which suggested pay for play) you said:

All this could still be one hellacious coincidence. If it isn’t, though, the NCAA simply has no other choice than to drop the hammer on the Plainsmen the way it dropped the hammer on the Mustangs nearly a quarter of a century ago.

Well HAHA Mr. King! The NCAA did have another choice and it was a hellacious coincidence. I think it's about time that you acknowledge Auburn's unquestionable innocence regarding this matter. Former players accuse universities across the nation of paying them large sums of money in backpacks each and every year. The fact that Auburn was profiled by HBO serves only to demonstrate the media's inherent bias against the Tigers and the conspiracies coming out of Tuscaloosa with which Auburn fans must constantly deal.

The NCAA found Auburn innocent of all wrongdoing in both the Cam Newton and pay for play scandal perpetrated by HBO. This is conclusive proof that, when a thorough investigation is done, the NCAA gets it right every time. I have no problem using their findings to support my argument.

3) Malicious Mailbag

On occasion, you have taken the time to transcribe emails sent to you by Auburn fans in which they don't come across in the most favorable light. I think this type of inflammatory internet entrapment is entirely unacceptable. You have the gall to put your so-called "opinions" out there for anyone to read (and you even have the temerity to put your real name on the thing!). Auburn fans read this drivel, get understandably frustrated, and have no recourse but to flood your inbox with anonymous emails written in broken English with excessive profanity and slurs. They're furious and I don't blame them. What the hell do you expect? And then you put those emails on the internet and mock them? How dare you, sir!

4) Collegiate Compatriots

I think its also time, Mr. King, for our community to take a good hard look at ourselves. Think of it this way: The Auburn Tigers are disliked/hated by the LSU Tigers, Alabama Crimson Tide, and Georgia Bulldogs. The Georgia Bulldogs are disliked/hated by the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets, Florida Gators, and Auburn Tigers. Now you have to ask yourself Kyle, which of those groups do you prefer? I'll tell you right now, I'd rather align myself with the fanbases of the Gators and the Jackets. These teams are known nationwide for their longstanding traditions of success and for the collected and logical demeanor of their fanbase at large. I have to say, being lumped in with Alabama and LSU, instead of Florida and Georgia Tech, is just another instance of our inferiority. If Alabama, Georgia, and LSU don't like you, you're doing something right. If the reasonable and sensible fans of Georgia Tech, Florida, and Auburn don't like you, you're doing something very, very wrong. Its as simple as that.

5) Getting Biblical

Finally, we have this gem regarding those fans to the west who, I have been told on numerous occasions, "love us like brothers":

Cam Newton is a minister’s son; I’ll bet he’s familiar with Matthew 7:3. It sounds like more than a few Auburn fans aren’t.

Frankly, sir, it sounds like you aren't familiar with this:

Auburn Student Honor Code Section 1.8.0.k which states: "Nannynannyboobooyoujustjealoussourgrapeshaterallin"

I shan't return to your blog until you have rectified this situation. I simply can't be party to the type of unabashed hatred spewing forth from Dawgsports. I hope you will realize, like I have, that Auburn is a wonderful football program with a rich tradition and knowledgeable fans. Also, please contact me about your inquiry into that piece of property I own near Athens. Its only 2 miles from the marina and has beach access. I have some other buyers on the line, but I'm saving it for you.

Sincerely,

RedCrake

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