(Note: This post is meant for people with a sense of humor . If you do not have a sense of humor, please feel free to avoid this article altogether. If you insist on reading it anyway and feel the need to complain in the comments, please identify yourself beforehand as someone with no sense of humor so the author and other blog readers may choose to ignore you accordingly. Addendum: I make no promises about the quality of the jokes, just that they are intended as such.)
This week, as the Georgia Bulldogs prepare to face off against the Tennessee Volunteers, I will yet again look at various aspects of our upcoming opponent with a little good-natured ribbing thrown in. Aspects as varied as pop-culture, athletics, politics, entertainment, and other miscellanea regarding the school and their state of origin are fair game . Please understand that I am only kidding... really. Unless you're reading the feature right before we play Florida or Auburn (and Ole Miss really isn't worth even commenting on, now is it?).
Many of you have probably visited the University of Tennessee and even more have likely seen the Volunteers in action against the Bulldogs at one point or another. However, there are a few things about UT and the state to our north that you likely don't know... and that is where I come in.
So hit the jump while I drop a little knowledge on ya...
1) The Creamsicle! Oh God! Why the Creamsicle?!?!?!?
If you've ever seen the University of Tennessee compete in any sport, you know that they like to drape themselves in an orange that can only be described as radioactive vomit. Regular orange is bad enough, but what you need to know is that Tennessee orange is detrimental to your health.
Top vision researcher Dr. Quincy Magoo has championed the color (and otherwise) blind for over 60 years. His landmark paper "Orange You Glad I Didn't Say You're Colorblind" conclusively linked the rapid deterioration of retinal tissue to being constantly exposed to the particular hue of orange utilized by the University of Tennessee. Not only that, but he was also able to establish a positive link between creamsicle orange and a variety of ailments and maladies including: Obesity, temporary insanity, gum disease, tooth loss, barroom violence, armed robbery, compulsive lying, and rectal bleeding.
Do your body a favor: Just say no to orange.
Tennessee got it right when they picked a dog to be their mascot. I still think they should have gone with Jim, the friendly community service soup kitchen worker, but they decided on Smokey. I'm gonna lay off Smokey IX (although what's the deal with the blanket?) because we at Georgia have a certain sensitivity regarding live animal mascots.
What is critical for you to understand is that there are two Smokeys: Smokey IX, mentioned above, and his ne'er-do-well costumed counterpart. You see, the latter Smokey has problems... serious problems. After spending a little too much time hanging out with Lane Kiffin, Bruce Pearl, and some of their recruits, Smokey found himself in a bit of a pickle. He was kicked out of school, kicked out of his apartment, and had picked up a nasty blow habit. Desperate for cash, Smokey went all Tonya Harding on Aubie in a darkened Alabama alleyway thinking that if anyone could ease his financial woes, surely it was Auburn. However, Smokey underestimated Aubie who bludgeoned him with an oddly heavy backpack. After an anonymous phone tip, police arrived at the scene and took Smokey in on felony cocaine possession charges. His legal fees mounting, Smokey turned to the hardscrabble streets of Knoxville with a few down-on-their-luck Orange Pride hostesses.
Pictured Below: For a short time, Smokey was one of Knoxville's premier lower tier pimps.
Shortly after this picture was taken, Smokey was gunned down in a Motel 6 parking lot. Rumors persist that the shooting was retribution for the Aubie assault. Others believe that Smokey simply made enemies of the wrong people. The case is still open and police say they have numerous persons of interest (including a former athletic association employee who was brought in due to a half eaten box of Krispie Kremes found in the motel parking lot).
3) Tennessee: Hollywood's Inspiration
Tennessee is notable for being a beautiful state nestled in the Smoky Mountains. UT has attained notoriety for many truly impressive academic pursuits. But Tennessee, and more specifically the fanbase, has earned even greater distinction for serving as inspiration to the Hollywood elite.
In 1983, Steven Spielberg was on vacation for the summer and decided to head to the mountains. He'd been working on a story for a movie he was to do with Richard Donner. The story was a thrilling tale about a group of young friends who set out in search of a pirate's treasure. But he couldn't get the characters just right. He needed that extra something to push it over the top. A memorable break out character.
About that time, Spielberg stopped in Knoxville and paid a visit to a University of Tennessee football game. There he saw exactly what he was looking for. Tens of thousands of caricatures on which to draw when developing the key character for his film. One little boy epitomized not only the fanbase, but also what Spielberg had been seeking. He was so perfect in fact that he would go on to appear in the film:
Interestingly enough, Spielberg later went on to attend an Auburn game which inspired the creation of the "Sloth" character.
4) Its Time to Get Political!
Only, not really. Each week I like to bring you a crazy ass politician from the home state of our upcoming opponent. We've had frauds, cheats, and guys with strippers in cemeteries. Each one is crazier than the next. Its what makes American politics so great.
This week the state of Tennessee brings us a real doozy. Former Georgetown basketball player Kevin Millen (who had a restraining order taken out against him to keep him off the Georgetown campus after things went south there) was running for Congress out of Memphis and (tragically) lost in the GOP primary. After the loss, Millen posted this:
Good Morning Everyone,
I will be asking each person to realize what they have done by not voting for Kevin Millen. The first thing you have done is allowed each black constituents to tell white people bow down and apologize to me for slavery, cracker. Secondly, you will be allowing a health care bill that will hurt All Americans, to be instilled in the United States of America. All Republicans in Memphis have turned this Republican Party into the dumbest and weakest Republican Party ever. You have allowed the judicial system to keep violating your constitutional rights. You have allowed the police to keep violating your constitutional rights. I tried to help, but people say it’s your first time running for office, that’s why I didn’t know you. How many people knew Harold Ford Jr.? How many people know Steve Cohen? How many people know any of the city council or the county commissioner? How many people even know any of the judges? Some say you were not on T.V. T.V. is nothing, because I knocked on doors, put out flyers, email all business in Memphis and around the U.S., to try to make Memphis more attract to recruit more business ... (edited for objectionable content) ... Life goes on and again, thanks to all the voters whom wanted a serious candidate that was going to stand up for Tennesseans especially Memphians. Since every wants to be experiments in Tennessee, you all have chosen the right two candidates to represent the parties. Yes, you all have chose two experiments, so that they can experiment on you. Memphis City Schools just might do another policy to hamper the youth, because these people enjoy making their youth illiterate. Experiment, extolled xen permitted enourmous rights in massive extrinsic negative times…
(h/t Lonely Tailgater)
I have to say Tennessee, you really knocked this one out of the park.
Also, I'd like to take a moment to congratulate The984 for his winning submission in last week's "Help Me Find A Crazy Mississippi Politician" contest. Due to his submission of Shawn O'Hara (the guy who runs for every office every election), The984 has won a food or beverage item of his choice at the Goat Roast and a digital photo of me doing something embarrassing of his choosing. The984 should leave said suggestion in the comment section or email it to me... and remember, tasteful nudity only.
5) Tennessee: Cradle of Culture
Ok, so Cormac McCarthy and Kurt Vonnegut both attended UT for a time. That, in and of itself, is a pretty impressive list of attendees in my book... but I'm going to ignore that completely because a) it makes me kind of like Tennessee and b) it doesn't suit my purposes.
Everything you need to know about Tennessee and why you should hate it can be summed up in three graduates and attendees:
Dixie Carter - I would like it noted that I have now worked two Designing Women references into a college football blog. That has to be some kind of record.
Dolly Parton - In all fairness, she was given an honorary doctorate for what I can only assume were her "substantial contributions" to popular culture.
Bobby Dodd - Former Tennessee Quarterback and Georgia Tech Head Coach. If you don't know why you shouldn't like this guy, you're at the wrong blog.
6) A Stroll Down Memory Lane
I've had a lot of fun at Tennessee's expense, so I think its only fair that I give a little peace offering. The Volunteers have a long and storied football tradition. A tradition of athletic excellence subject to envy from around the country. In that time, one moment stands out as a shining beacon of which all Volunteer fans can be justifiably proud. Never forget Vols fans.... Never forget...
Now you, as a Georgia fan, know everything you must about Tennessee. So get out there and whip some Vol tail. As always, I look forward to hearing your random observations about our upcoming opponent and the witty retorts of the Tennessee faithful in the comments.