(Note: This post is meant for people with a sense of humor . If you do not have a sense of humor, please feel free to avoid this article altogether. If you insist on reading it anyway and feel the need to complain in the comments, please identify yourself beforehand as someone with no sense of humor so the author and other blog readers may choose to ignore you accordingly. Addendum: I make no promises about the quality of the jokes, just that they are intended as such.)
This week, as the Georgia Bulldogs prepare to face off against the Vanderbilt Commodores, I will yet again look at various aspects of our upcoming opponent with a little good-natured ribbing thrown in. Aspects as varied as pop-culture, athletics, politics, entertainment, and other miscellanea regarding the school and their state of origin are fair game . Please understand that I am only kidding... unless you're reading the feature right before we play Florida or Auburn.
The Vanderbilt Commodores often make for strange brethren in the SEC. I love the academics, tradition of the university, and campus. I'd also add that one of the finest college professors I've ever had the pleasure of knowing (Berry College Physics, Astronomy, and Geology Department in da house!!!) was a Vanderbilt man and represented the university admirably. That said, when it comes to football, it just doesn't seem quite right. As it turns out, however, it isn't just football where something is amiss. There are several things you don't know about Vanderbilt... and I'm about to blow the lid off.
Hit the jump as I drop a little knowledge on ya...
1) James Franklin Will Not Be Head Coach At Vanderbilt in 2012
Its not that Coach Franklin isn't doing a good job. I think he's done well (although I do miss the Ol' Turkey Inseminator). But I've got some seriously legit in the know information that I'm about to break here on Dawgsports. This has been in the works for awhile and its going to totally change the college football landscape.
The story begins almost 180 years ago...
In the mid-1830's, Cornelius Vanderbilt was in a steamboat accident which was never reported to the media. Following the accident, Vanderbilt was washed out to sea and was believed lost. Unbeknownst to the people back home, Cornelius had actually landed on a deserted island after being tossed about by the waves for weeks. Struggling for life with little in the way of food and fresh water, Vanderbilt was saved by a passing ship of thieves and gypsies. While on the ship, Cornelius observed the crew's activities and discovered that they were in fact pirates plundering nearby ports. Though he was only on the ship for a few weeks before being thrown overboard, Vanderbilt managed to impregnate a toothless pirate woman by the name of Esmeralda. Upon washing up on the shore, Cornelius was revived and never mentioned his escapades with Esmeralda to anyone.
With recent advances in DNA mapping and genealogy, a few rogue Vanderbilt scientists were recently able to determine that Cornelius had an additional living descendant. Their discovery both terrified and delighted them: The great-great-great-great-grandson of Cornelius Vanderbilt and Esmeralda was professional college football coach and semi-professional pirate, Mike Leach.
Upon learning of the university's connection to Leach, he was immediately offered a contract in secret to begin coaching the
Commodores Pirates next season.
2) Speaking Of That Creepy Looking Guy Above
The Vanderbilt mascot is known as Mr. Commodore. Not Cornelius Commodore (which would have made sense) or Carl Commodore. Just Mr. Commodore. So I got to thinking, why are they trying to hide his first name from us? I thought, he's a creepy old man with long sideburns and a penchant for fancy dress which is somewhat off-putting. So I hit up the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation for some info and guess what I found out: There is a Mr. E. Commodore in the Tennessee Sex Offender registry (seriously). Pretty weird coincidence huh?
3) Good Lord! That's An Impressive Set of Alumni!
In all honesty, its pretty hard to knock on Vanderbilt's list of notable alumni and attendees. You've got poet laureates, Nobel Prize winners, Pulitzer Prize winners, and astronauts (the kind that don't prep for space flight by holding a tricycle race). There's an Indigo Girl, Bettie Page, the guy from Real World: Philadelphia, and the owner of Maker's Mark. There just isn't anything to mock here. That's ok though because it gives me an opportunity to post a picture of my favorite former Vanderbilt student:
Congratulations Vandy! You're credited with everything from All The King's Men to the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Truly impressive.
4) Tennessee Politicians Just Got Super Duper Cereal
Every week I like to look at a completely crazy politician from the home state of our upcoming opponent under the presumption that he or she represents the state at large. Last week, as I looked at crazy Tennessee politicians before our game with the Vols, someone in the comments reminded me that I had left out one of the craziest: our beloved former vice-president, Al Gore. Mr. Gore also attended Vanderbilt at various points in his educational career, so it works out really well. With that in mind, I'd like to outline just a few of Al Gore's more impressive accomplishments:
- He managed to simultaneously beat and lose to George W. Bush.
- He almost successfully put social security in a lockbox hidden inside a leather bound copy of The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas
- He created these very intertubes on which you find yourself reading right now.
- He won an Oscar for creating a lengthy (if convincing) PowerPoint.
- He chased a fierce creature, known as ManBearPig, across the country and into the Cave of the Winds. After a cave-in trapped his companions inside the cavern, he heroically suggested filling it with molten lead. When this was rejected, he cried a bit but dusted himself off and flooded the cave instead... killing ManBearPig and saving his friends inside. Excelsior!
If there was more that you, as a Georgia fan, should know about Vanderbilt, I would give it to you... but there isn't. Bad at football, Mike Leach a-comin', creepy (possibly felonious) mascot, amazing alumni, and ManBearPig. Vandy has jumped up and surprised us before. Believe me, I haven't forgotten. But this year I think the Dawgs have too much D. We'll have to see what the offense can come up with. I'm gonna say 34-14 Dawgs... and those points won't be given up by the defense.
As always I look forward to your random observations about our upcoming opponent in the comments and would love to hear from any Commodore fans that might stop by. I'm actually somewhat intrigued as to what a Vanderbilt troll might look like. Until next time...