(Author’s Note: Prior to proceeding further, please set your sarcasm detectors to "high.")
Athens, Ga. (Sept. 9)---The day after officially completing his first week on the job, University of Georgia athletic director Greg McGarity appeared before reporters at a late afternoon press conference to announce that the Georgia Bulldogs will be disbanding all sports programs, effective immediately.
"We announced before that we were doing something similar, as an April Fool’s Day joke," McGarity explained, "but this time we mean it, for real."
The final straw came earlier during the day, when news broke of yet another incident involving a Georgia athlete. While the player’s name has not yet been released, details have been made available to the media, and the events unfolded as follows:
The unnamed player was riding his scooter the wrong way down a one-way street when he emerged from an alley and was stopped by an Athens-Clarke County police officer. The officer noticed that the player was wearing a scooter helmet with a full name, presumably that of the owner of the helmet, written on the back. When questioned by the officer about the ownership of the helmet, the player attempted to convince the officer that the helmet was his, but, although the player was able to spell the first and last names of the helmet’s actual owner, he repeatedly misspelled the owner’s middle name.
The officer then asked the player to provide identification, and the player produced a driver’s license. The officer called in the license number on his radio and learned from headquarters that the license had been suspended. The officer then placed the player under arrest and asked the player to get off of the scooter.
When the player got off of the scooter, two articles of clothing that had been in the player’s lap fell to the ground. One article of clothing was a pair of red panties, which the player said he was "just holding" for someone who was "just a friend." The other article of clothing was a game-worn jersey, which the player said was his, but only until the money from the collector who bought it on eBay showed up in his PayPal account.
"As you can see," McGarity explained to reporters, "this ongoing rash of problems with ticky-tacky nitpicky clerical-administrative minutiae poses so great a threat to the safety, security, and well-being of those who deserve to live in a world in which no one emerges from an alley, misspells his middle name, forgets to pay a parking ticket, or, Heaven forbid, attempts to obtain a little ‘walking around’ money while away at college without the opportunity either to receive a stipend or get a job, that we have no choice but to shut this program down for the good of humanity."
"I am particularly disappointed in Mark Richt," the athletic director continued. "The example he has set has been an embarrassment to the University. From his requirement that incoming freshmen take mandatory character education classes to his scheduling of regular team meals at which the players see their coaches modeling responsible adult behavior as husbands and fathers, from his decisions to kick such players as Jasper Sanks, Montez Robinson, and Zach Mettenberger off the team for their transgressions to his adoption of Ukrainian orphans through his church, Coach Richt has shown what a lawless mercenary with low class and lower standards he truly is."
Asked what the University of Georgia student-athletes who came to Athens to participate in sports are expected to do now, McGarity replied, "In the words of Colorado Buffaloes head coach Dan Hawkins: ‘Go play intramurals, brother!’"