According to anonymous sources of uncertain credibility whose access to inside information might charitably be described as dubious, a hastily-called press conference has been scheduled for 3:00 Eastern time this afternoon at Butts-Mehre Heritage Hall, where University of Georgia athletic director Damon Evans will announce that the Georgia Bulldogs have accepted an invitation to join the Pac-10.
Unnamed individuals lacking sufficient courage of their convictions to allow themselves to be identified report that Evans has been manipulating the situation since succeeding Vince Dooley as athletic director, all with an eye toward becoming a member of the West Coast BCS conference.
"Think about it," said a source with such a low placement on the organizational chart that he doesn’t even have a fancy-schmancy title for us to throw out here to bolster the believability of this article, "why else would Damon have been scheduling like this lately? As soon as he got in there, he started looking west. Georgia played two games against Arizona State, scheduled a series with Oregon, and tried to schedule a series with Oregon State. There was talk of trying to get UCLA on the slate, as well, all with the goal of causing the Pac-10 to sit up and take notice of a Georgia program that is a natural fit for the Pac-10, except for that whole ‘touching the Atlantic Ocean’ detail."
"What really demonstrated Damon’s shrewdness," continued the source as reporters attempted to find a way to sneak out of the room in which they had been buttonholed by the clearly deranged commenter, "was the way he targeted teams he knew the Pac-10 was also targeting. The Bulldogs traveled to Stillwater last year, and they’re going to Boulder this year to play the team that just jumped to the Pac-10. Heck, Evans even orchestrated a bowl game against future Pac-10 member Texas A&M!"
The University of Georgia, a Tier 1 academic institution which ranks ahead of half the current members of the Pac-10 and such new conference additions as Colorado and Texas A&M in the U.S. News & World Report rankings, reportedly bolstered its attractiveness to the West Coast league by secretly persuading alumni of the Athens institution in the General Assembly to change the name of the state’s capital city from "Atlanta" to "Pacifa."
Perhaps Evans’s smoothest move in orchestrating the Red and Black’s transcontinental shift, though, was his backroom deal to have
Atlanta- Pacifa-based fast-food giant Chick-fil-A introduce its popular spicy chicken sandwich in California first.
"If they want to keep the pipeline of tasty chicken sandwiches open," insisted the source, who by that point clearly had demonstrated that he was nothing more than a crackpot conspiracy theorist, "those Californians will vote to let the Bulldogs into their league."
The source also noted that Georgia staked a claim to the 1942 national title with a Rose Bowl win, although, really, that is neither here nor there. The one plausible point the source made in defense of his ludicrous argument was this: "Hey, it isn’t any crazier an idea than the Pac-10 letting Texas Tech join, is it? I mean, Texas Tech . . . really?!?!"