Georgia Bulldogs Forfeit Every Game in Every Sport Forever
by T Kyle King on Apr 1, 2010 12:15 AM EDT
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PrintAthens, Ga.: In an unprecedented move that shocked the sports world, University of Georgia athletic director Damon Evans announced at a hastily-called press conference late Wednesday evening that the Bulldogs intended to forfeit every upcoming game, match, meet, and contest in intercollegiate competition in every sport from now until the end of time.
"We see the handwriting on the wall," Evans said in a prepared statement delivered before reporters at Butts-Mehre Heritage Hall, "and we pride ourselves on being a pro-active organization. Rather than subject our coaches, student-athletes, and loyal fans to one soul-crushing setback after another, we have decided to concede in advance every competition we know we’re going to lose, anyway."
The move comes in the wake of more than two straight years of non-stop disasters in Athens, including the baseball team’s loss in the College World Series finals and subsequent slide, the football team’s steady decline since beginning the 2008 season as the No. 1 team in the nation, and an implosion by the men’s basketball team so complete that a 2009-2010 season in which the Hoop Dogs proved incapable of winning consecutive conference contests or carding a victory on the road actually appeared to boosters to be a positive sign.
Despite catching all observers by surprise, the move received almost universal praise. University president Michael Adams spoke glowingly of Evans’s visionary leadership, noting, "This will certainly keep those darned kids off my lawn!" Adams uttered these words while shaking his fist at a pair of University sophomores walking to class on north campus who cut across the grassy quadrangle in front of the main library rather than use the sidewalk.
"Boy, this is really going to take the pressure off of us heading into Jacksonville every year," said Bulldog head football coach Mark Richt. "Also, we can finally quit hearing about that doggone end zone dance." "No more figuring out ways to squander late leads so we can lose by one run in the most gut-wrenching manner imaginable?" asked a visibly relieved head baseball coach David Perno rhetorically. "Sign me up!"
The only criticism of the bold maneuver was offered by former gymnastics coach Suzanne Yoculan, who advocated an alternative plan: "Make me head coach of every sport, and we’ll start whipping these [sissies] into shape!"
Go ‘Dawgs!
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Damon
Mr. King,
Brilliant creative funny article on April Fools Day (otherwise known as every day of classes at GATech, every day is Fool’s Day at Tech).
We hereby nominate this article for Top 10 of the year.
The best humor has a basis in truth, and you have exposed many undercurrents of truths which swirl in the great river of UGA sports.
Please accept the following post which contributes to your theme today:
30 REASONS WHY GEORGIA WILL HAVE ANOTHER DISAPPOINTING YEAR!
UGA JUST CANNOT COMPETE WITH THE BIG BOYS BECAUSE:
Logan Gray needs more experience, and UGA needs another year or two
Mett is only a freshman, UGA needs another year or two
Murray is only a freshman, UGA needs another year or two
CTG is only a freshman, UGA needs another year or two
An offensive lineman has a shoulder injury and UGA needs another year or two
Our fans don’t understand football, and UGA needs another year or two
Our schedule is too tough, and UGA needs another year or two
CMR is a class act, but UGA needs another year or two
Our nose guard is too slow and UGA needs another year or two
Our SEC opponents recruit better than we do, and UGA needs another year or two
UGA installed a new defense, everything is foggy, and the defense needs another year or two
AJ Green is injured again and UGA needs another year or two
Marlon Brown is injured again and UGA needs another year or two
The bloggers and media are mean, and UGA needs another year or two
Our schedule is easier this year, but UGA still needs another year or two
The Swamp Guinea closed and UGA needs another year or two
C King is injured again and UGA needs another year or two
Another offensive lineman went down with a shoulder injury, UGA needs another year or two
We have no depth at receiver and UGA needs another year or two
Hey, I fired 3 coaches, and we need another year or two
CMR is pleased with the effort, but UGA needs another year or two
My scooter is too fast, and I need another year or two
CMB is still developing as a coach and UGA needs another year or two
The Fifth Quarter closed and UGA needs another year or two
C King missed practice again, so UGA needs another year or two
It takes years to learn how to tackle and UGA needs another year or two
Our underclassmen are too small and weak and UGA needs another year or two
Mommy, they held me down and forced beer down my throat, and I need another year or two
Our nose guard is too small and UGA needs another year or two
Another shoulder injury for – an offensive lineman – UGA needs another year or two
Saban is the world’s greatest coach evah, UGA needs another year or two
When are we going to stop behaving like crybabies? In another year or two?
GO YOU HAIRY DAWGS!
I need
Another beer or two.
"If we score, we may win. If they never score, we'll never lose."
-Erk Russell
by DavetheDawg on Apr 1, 2010 11:36 AM EDT via mobile reply actions
Just Kidding
I think the Swamp Guinea is still open, another great UGA tradition.
Its April Fools, I cant be serious all the time.
We used to pile 6 or 8 friends in the car and drink our way up there and back.
College Days (Daze)
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