Athens, Ga.: In an unprecedented move that shocked the sports world, University of Georgia athletic director Damon Evans announced at a hastily-called press conference late Wednesday evening that the Bulldogs intended to forfeit every upcoming game, match, meet, and contest in intercollegiate competition in every sport from now until the end of time.
"We see the handwriting on the wall," Evans said in a prepared statement delivered before reporters at Butts-Mehre Heritage Hall, "and we pride ourselves on being a pro-active organization. Rather than subject our coaches, student-athletes, and loyal fans to one soul-crushing setback after another, we have decided to concede in advance every competition we know we’re going to lose, anyway."
The move comes in the wake of more than two straight years of non-stop disasters in Athens, including the baseball team’s loss in the College World Series finals and subsequent slide, the football team’s steady decline since beginning the 2008 season as the No. 1 team in the nation, and an implosion by the men’s basketball team so complete that a 2009-2010 season in which the Hoop Dogs proved incapable of winning consecutive conference contests or carding a victory on the road actually appeared to boosters to be a positive sign.
Despite catching all observers by surprise, the move received almost universal praise. University president Michael Adams spoke glowingly of Evans’s visionary leadership, noting, "This will certainly keep those darned kids off my lawn!" Adams uttered these words while shaking his fist at a pair of University sophomores walking to class on north campus who cut across the grassy quadrangle in front of the main library rather than use the sidewalk.
"Boy, this is really going to take the pressure off of us heading into Jacksonville every year," said Bulldog head football coach Mark Richt. "Also, we can finally quit hearing about that doggone end zone dance." "No more figuring out ways to squander late leads so we can lose by one run in the most gut-wrenching manner imaginable?" asked a visibly relieved head baseball coach David Perno rhetorically. "Sign me up!"
The only criticism of the bold maneuver was offered by former gymnastics coach Suzanne Yoculan, who advocated an alternative plan: "Make me head coach of every sport, and we’ll start whipping these [sissies] into shape!"