What Are the Odds of the Auburn Tigers' Cameron Newton Winning the Heisman Trophy?

Right about the time MaconDawg began examining Cameron Newton’s Heisman Trophy prospects, Dr. Saturday reported that bookmakers had stopped laying odds on the Auburn quarterback’s chances. I am troubled by the notion that red-blooded Americans can’t get unscrupulous hustlers to cite dubious numbers for them to use when betting illegally on a bogus award, so I hereby provide . . .

The usual caveats about not betting on it apply, of course:

Cam: 2-1. The Auburn signal caller ranks tenth in the nation in rushing yardage (behind Denard Robinson and eight running backs) and eleventh in total offense. He is the spark plug that fires the country’s sixth-ranked scoring offense and fifth-ranked rushing offense. He’d be running away with this thing, were it not for the existence of ongoing NCAA and FBI investigations, and daily bombshells from multiple news outlets, raising questions about Cam’s eligibility only months after the Heisman Trophy voters had to take back Reggie Bush’s award.

Isaac: 5-1. Cam may defy the laws of physics, but Ike defined the laws of physics. Classical mechanics, gravity, and the laws of motion? All Isaac. Celestial motion, the visible spectrum, and the telescope? Isaac, again. Differential and integral calculus, the binomial theorem, and theology? Isaac, Isaac, Isaac. Are you really going to hold it against him that Trinity College didn’t have a football team?

Juice: 10-1. Malign her music all you want, but you and I both know you’re going to spend the rest of the day with "Angel of the Morning" running through your head, and not that stupid Shaggy version where he talks about his "peeps," either.

Huey: 45-1. He was named for Huey Long, he founded the Black Panthers, and he appears as an ancillary figure in Tom Wolfe’s Radical Chic. The major argument against him is that he’s been dead for 21 years, but, honestly, we’re talking about an award that was won by Gino Torretta, so how much integrity does the Heisman Trophy have left, really?

Thandie: 8-1. The 38-year-old actress made a splash in "Mission Impossible II," comes across as easygoing, and returns to the big screen this year in a film so hip I’m pretty sure it isn’t politically correct for a middle-aged conservative Southern white guy like me to type the title of it in a public forum. For all the praise heaped upon Cameron for his wide-ranging skill set, Thandie is the more versatile of the two. I mean, how many people can claim to have been born in London and have the first name "Thandiwe"?

Fig: 100-1. Who doesn’t love a mass-produced pastry featuring fig paste inserted into chewy cake-like dough? They also come in raspberry, strawberry, fat-free, whole grain, and mini versions.

Consider yourself up to date and ready to watch the Heisman Trophy presentation. You may feel free to thank me later.

Go ‘Dawgs! Auburna delenda est!