Although I’ve already put up the poll question concerning the Georgia Bulldogs’ present malaise, RedCrake’s suggestion that we "sacrifice a bison" made me realize that I had omitted a critical possibility: maybe we really do need a bigger goat!
Consequently, just as I jettisoned "Don’t Bet On It!" this week, I am going to shelve "Too Much Information," as well. There will be no historical or statistical breakdown of the Tennessee Volunteers today; instead, I am shaking things up, just as I did before the 2006 Auburn game. (That turned out pretty well, didn’t it? Well, O.K., then!)
Last Saturday night’s goat sacrifice clearly did not do the trick, so what should we sacrifice next time? (Before this gets posted to a PETA message board, please note: I’m kidding! I think most rational people understand that I’m kidding, but I’m pretty sure I’m not a popular guy with the PETA crowd, so I just want to be clear.) For the most part, I decided we should go big or go home, so here are our options:
Blue whale. It has the advantage of being the largest animal on earth. However, I have no idea how to go about finding and/or harpooning one, and I can see a Dawg Sports boating expedition going very, very badly. I can also see me going a little Captain Ahab after the Bulldogs’ 1-4 start. Also, I hate to go there, but, since vineyarddawg and I both are "Star Trek" fans, there’s a risk of one of us trying to beam up a whale and take it back to the 23rd century so we can save the earth.
African bush elephant. It’s the largest land animal, which is a plus. I’m pretty sure you’d have to go to Africa to get one, though, so that’s a problem, and we are in Georgia, after all, so there could be political troubles associated with killing a creature whose nomenclature contains the surname of the two most recent Republican presidents and the symbol of the GOP. If Doug Gillett, NCT, and donkeydawg were involved, I’m pretty sure Fox News would denounce us all as a bunch of hippie rabblerousers.
Eastern lowland gorilla. This is the world’s largest primate. He’d be a good one to sacrifice because he’s the world’s largest primate. He’d be a bad one to try to get to sit still for a sacrifice, though, because he’s the world’s largest primate! It’s a double-edged sword.
White rhinoceros. The white rhino is the world’s largest odd-toed ungulate. I don’t really think we ought to kill one; I just like saying "odd-toed ungulate."
Brachiosaurus. This was the largest of the dinosaurs, so it represents the ultimate in "killing something bigger." Also, it was a vegetarian, so there’s a limit to how worried we should be about trying to capture one. Unfortunately, that whole "extinction" thing gets in our way, so, unless anyone has a wayback machine, we’re out of luck on this one, too.
Virgins. There’s a long history behind this one, so we have a solid tradition upon which to draw, but I hesitate even to mention it, for two reasons. First of all, it involves the ritual killing of a human being, so there are some pretty serious moral objections and legal restrictions that would prevent such a sacrifice. (Now would be a really good time to remind the humor-impaired that I’m still kidding!) Also, if Bulldog Nation announces that it’s going to start sacrificing virgins, it’s going to provoke the Georgia Tech fans to say, "See? They’re talking about us again! They’re obsessed, I tell you!" (As if the "Star Trek" reference didn’t give them reason enough to think this already.) This idea is a complete non-starter. (To repeat, don’t sacrifice a virgin!)
It doesn’t matter how big it is, as long as it’s at the Arch. This is tankertoad’s theory, and it may be simultaneously the easiest plan to execute and the one least likely to get anyone arrested for animal cruelty, slaughtering livestock in a public area, or premeditated murder. (You particularly want to stay away from that last one.) Here’s the deal, then: if you’re a Dawg Sports reader residing in or near Athens, go to the Arch and make a ceremonial show of stepping on an insect. Bring a friend and a camera, and post a fanshot of a still photograph or a YouTube video of you doing this. Do not harm any living creature with a brain larger than the head of a pin! Confine yourself to insects, please. If it is remotely conceivable that a human being might keep it as a pet and name it, don’t hurt it! Just squash a bug, be photographed squashing a bug, and say something Old Testament-style when you do it. (You get bonus points if you say "smite" and "thee" while you do it.) If anyone succeeds in doing all this prior to the close of the business day on Friday, you will have the gratitude of Bulldog Nation, and I’d be willing to bet someone will buy you the lawfully-obtainable beverage of your choice at next year’s game-watching get-together. Have at it! (Seriously, though, don’t hurt any mammals, and especially not people! Just step on an insect. I cannot stress this strongly enough.)
I have to tell you, I’m feeling pretty good about this get-loyal-readers-to-step-on-a-bug-at-the-Arch-and-photograph-it-so-it-can-be-posted-at-the-site-by-Friday-night-and-break-the-hex idea. I sure hope it works. Remember, though, whatever you do, . . .
Don’t Bet On It! Obey All Laws and Don’t Hurt Anything Bigger Than an Ant, and Particularly Not a Person! (This has been a public service announcement.)