FanPost

In which I challenge Jeff Schultz to a Joke Off

As he is wont to do, seer of seers, prognosticator of prognosticators, Punxatawney Phil  Jeff Schultz (chosen by the AP as one of the top ten columnists in these United States! Seriously) has chosen those teams who he believes will have success on Saturday and those which will not.

Typical fare, Ray Goff comparison's are soooooo last week, they've been updated by Sunbelt Conference jokes. Cursory, if a bit snarky mention of the removal of Oregon from the schedule, some stuff about Tech covering 9 1/2, oh look he replaced "Forty Niners," with "Phoney Niners," you loveable little scamp you. Blah blah blah, Alabama, Nick Saban, nothing to see here, move on. I could get some work done, perhaps look at the relationship between A.J. Green's presence in games and yards per carry by the running back, that would be interesting, lot of people say that A.J. Green is only one person, but what if statistically he's like 1.75, I better get on that.

Wait, hold on a second, what's this:

A bear broke into a car this week in Colorado and went joy riding. According to a story broken by the BBC, because apparently there’s nothing interesting going on in England, the bear broke into the car when he saw a sandwich (maybe he just had a buzz), then knocked the gear shifter into neutral, causing the car to roll out of a driveway, down an embankment and into trees.

Impressed by the element of surprise in this attack, Mark Richt immediately signed the bear as his new offensive coordinator. (I might have made up that last part.):

This. Joke. Is. Terrible. I cannot let this silde. You went from top 10 columnist in the country to this in two years? And you say Georgia's gone downhill. I mean seriously this is the best joke you've got? Just delete the paragraph man. Wait until you're in a more Joking mood or just write the post seriously; do what you've got to do, but Jesus, this?

Let's break this down a bit:

A bear broke into a car this week in Colorado and went joy riding.

OK, like where you're going with this, all kinds of zaniness could ensue.

 According to a story broken by the BBC, because apparently there’s nothing interesting going on in England,

 

Whoa, it's real, I thought this was more along the lines of "a priest, a midget and twelve inch piano player walked into a bar," and yes, I agree that it is odd that it's broken in England, and what an interesting article, apparently this kind of stuff happens all the time.... I could see how this could turn into a joke, please continue.

 the bear broke into the car when he saw a sandwich (maybe he just had a buzz),

OK....I guess. I'm okay with the bear was hungry. Are you saying the bear was high and had the munchies? A) I think buzz generally refers to mild intoxication brought on by alcohol, which doesn't really cause the combination of hunger and ridiculous behavior in the sense you seem to be implying here and B) are you trying to be cool here? Did you think to yourself, oh I'll throw in a marijuana reference cause I'm hip like that? Because sir, you're frightening your daughter's sorority sisters. Stop. Okay, so let's pick up the pieces, still got a shot at it....

 then knocked the gear shifter into neutral, causing the car to roll out of a driveway, down an embankment and into trees.

OK. With ya. This would be pretty funny if it happened to you, well not you, but your idiot cousin or something. I think we're pretty set up for a punchline here, we've got a bear, in a car, rolling down hill, in Colorado, where the Georgia Bulldawgs are playing, in a terrible season. What have you got:

Impressed by the element of surprise in this attack, Mark Richt immediately signed the bear as his new offensive coordinator. (I might have made up that last part.):

 

Hits head on desk.

Really? That's where you went with this? You had bears in cars, and Georgia, and Colorado, and your punchline was: "this situation is surprising", "Georgia's offensive coordinator has not called surprising plays", "hire the bear". You might have made that last part up? Thanks for the clarification, because I thought that this column of weekend college football predictions had just broken a pretty remarkable story. Mark Richt, in a very unursal decision has decided to hire a damn bear. Tell us more Jeff, do you think that the bear will continue Bobo's habit of being on the sidelines or will he be in the press box? Will Bobo still coach quarterbacks? Wait hold on, you were joking, does this mean that Georgia's not moving to the Sunbelt or playing the flag football team from Bob's Catfish and Such (and what the Hell does that even mean? a catfish restaurant flag football team? hyperbole still has to make sense). Let's see anything else, oh yeah, THE ARTICLE YOU LINKED TO THIS SAID THAT "IT IS VERY COMMON FOR BEARS TO BREAK INTO....CARS IN SEARCH OF FOOD." That the bear did it is not surprising. And from how far away could you see this bear coming? At half a mile approaching the car, wouldn't the surprise be....you know not that surprising.

Ok, so it has come to this. You and me Schultz. Right here right now. Joke off.

In the red corner professional writer, top ten columnist of 2008, knows a thing or two about bears....Jeff Shultz

And in the blue corner, Certified Public Accountant, fan poster who once wrote something that got eight comments, guy who calculates correlations between various football statistics for fun......the Quincy Carter of Accountants.

OK, here's the rules. Using Schultz's setup, we'll see how many funnier jokes we can write, best of seven. So they all start with:

A bear broke into a car this week in Colorado and went joy riding. According to a story broken by the BBC, because apparently there’s nothing interesting going on in England, the bear broke into the car when he saw a sandwich (maybe he just had a buzz), then knocked the gear shifter into neutral, causing the car to roll out of a driveway, down an embankment and into trees.

And you can end them just about any way you want that involves Georgia football. Ready go:

1) Speaking of things in Colorado moving on a downward trajectory, let's discuss the Georgia game 
2) The police said the bear won't have any jail time, but as part of his community service he'll have to teach Washaun Ealey about the appropriate steps to take after you've been in an accident   
3) Intensity, pursuit (of a sandwich), runs downhill, gets into and out of cars without being arrested, Coach Richt offered the bear a scholarship on the spot.
4) Bryan Mclendon, who happened to be walking by with Carlton Thomas as the car was going down hill, put his arm around the young back and said, "like that."
5) Upon hearing the story, the University of Georgia's former athletics director Damon Evans said, "I can beat it."
6) Mike Bobo, when he heard people laughing about the story said, "Oh, I get it, when a bear can't sustain a drive, then it's funny."
7) I think this brings the total for arrests involving vehicles this year to Bulldawgs 5 Bears 0.

Please, continue amongst yourselves. It's fun. You too can be funnier than the 2008 top ten columnist of the year. It really isn't very hard.

Thanks all. Enjoy the game. My understanding is that Colorado is planning a blackout. The Gods punish hubris. 

Go Dawgs. 

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