Thursday Night Dawg Bites: Hutson Mason/Holly Anderson/Jamie Luner Edition

In theory, it’s the offseason, but you wouldn’t know it to look at recent events, which have unfolded at such a pell-mell pace that I’m not even going to waste your time with a pithy introduction. Instead, let’s get down to business:

We’re No. 8! We’re No. 8! My thanks go out to NCT for pointing me in the direction of Ivan Maisel’s list of the teams of the decade. Maisel ranks Georgia eighth for the aughts, observing:

The Bulldogs' success in the decade -- two Southeastern Conference championships, a share of four SEC East titles -- reflected the quiet, steely nature of head coach Mark Richt, who arrived after the 2000 season. They won 98 games while in the shadow of Florida. They won 98 games with a mixture of hard-nosed defense and two outstanding quarterbacks, David Greene, who set an FBS record with 42 victories (broken in 2009 by Colt McCoy), and Matthew Stafford. One other characteristic: Richt's teams win close games. His Dawgs are 20-9 in games decided by five points or fewer.

This is what I’m saying, although Stewart Mandel is holding out until the mythical Montanans have had their say.

Of Course, You Wouldn’t Want to See Most of Our Stats for (Metaphorical) Trips to Second Base. When I first learned that Chris Mottram had announced the release of SB Nation trading cards, I was so jacked, I ate a stick of butter . . . but then I learned SB Nation was introducing satirical trading cards depicting athletes and coaches. Well, dang. I just heard "SB Nation trading cards" and thought we bloggers were finally getting our due.

Lawyers, Guns, and Dummies. No sooner did Drew McElroy give the legal profession a good name than fellow attorney Scott Edelman made us all look bad again. Look, I get that "USC" refers to the University of Southern California in 49 states and the District of Columbia, but, when the Trojans’ mouthpiece got snippy about the Gamecocks’ "goofy little chicken," he veered into nobody-picks-on-my-little-brother-but-me territory. Listen, bub, these are South Carolinians we’re talking about here. You think the billboard wars were bad? These folks will unload cannon fire on Tommy Trojan. Don’t make me open up a 55-gallon drum of William Gilmore Simms all over you, Edelman.

No Word Whether the NCAA Considered "ACC Integrity" When Deciding Not to Reinstate Bobby Bowden’s Wins. Speaking of lawyers who make our profession look good, Senator Blutarsky took down Heather Dinich for her holier-than-thou defense of ACC integrity.

If He’s Convicted, He Shouldn’t Even Be Allowed to Sit in Seat 37F. Ordinarily, I would welcome any opportunity to needle the University of Florida, but, as a father, I lack the capacity to react to this with anything other than revulsion. I have no idea if he’s guilty, of course, but the press already has him in its crosshairs, since he’s being referred to by all three names. That’s never a good sign; from your mother to the media, no one ever calls you by all three names unless you’re seriously in trouble.

"Some Guys Like That" is a Euphemism for "Sleazebags." Hutson Mason is a good judge of character. We know that because he said this:

When I really sat down and, not only being able to talk to Coach Richt, but seeing him, how he relates to his players -- it's one of those things where you wouldn't even have to be at a football function, but if Coach Richt saw you, he was going to make his way over there to talk to you. I'm sure you don't get that from guys like Lane Kiffin or some guys like that. Coach Richt is a family-oriented, flat-out great guy and a guy you'd want to play for. He's the kind of guy that's going to have your back as a player and he's going to watch out for you. I knew if I was having some hard times, Coach Richt was going to be there for me.

Don’t worry, Lane. His grandmother probably forced him to go to Georgia, based on some old wives’ tale about never trusting a man who has a sewage treatment plant named after him.

I’m Ashamed to Say the Answer is, "Evidently, Worse Than the Pilot of ‘Emily’s Reasons Why Not.’" Providing us with the foregoing quotation from Mason wasn’t the only good deed David Hale performed lately. He also mentioned the "Growing Pains" spinoff "Just the Ten of Us," which was every bit as bad as David indicated but which featured Jamie Luner, thus making it the first series to raise the question, "How bad does a show have to be for Kyle not to watch it just because it has a smoking hot girl in the cast?"

To Paraphrase Tom Hanks, "There’s No Fairness in Football!" There are in this world good ideas, bad ideas, and heinous ideas. The heinous ideas are the ones so preposterous that they could be believed only by tenure-track faculty members in the Duke University Department of English. These include Karl Marx’s labor theory of surplus value, Albert Camus’s "The Myth of Sisyphus," and this. Egad, that’s just nuts.

Please Tell Me There’s a YouTube Video of Corrine Brown Gradulating Corch Nix Sabans and the Crimson Tides. Congress congratulated the Crimson Tide on winning the national championship. Fortunately, U.S. Representative Jack Kingston, a friend of the blog, didn’t have to deal with another resolution praising the hated Gators.

. . . And Many More. Finally, today marks the anniversary of the birth of my favorite Tennessee fan just about the only Tennessee fan I would brake for if she passed in front of my moving automobile after the way the rest of them have behaved for the last year or so, Holly Anderson. (Yes, I know how old she is, but I have way too much class to reveal her age. Also, I have distinct memories of the year Holly was born, so revealing her age would make me feel really, really old.)

Happy birthday, Holly. I would say I’m sorry that my school’s women’s basketball team beat your school’s women’s basketball team on your birthday, but we both know that would be a fib.

I don’t know if that’s all the news that’s fit to print---actually, I’m pretty sure some of it’s not fit to print, what with the references to raw sewage, illegal pornography, and Jamie Luner---but it’s all the news that fits, at least. Consider yourself fully informed and go forth prepared to meet whatever new developments tomorrow brings our way.

Go ‘Dawgs!

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