Ten Things Auburn Fans Should Do Before They Die
by T Kyle King on Jul 31, 2009 12:15 AM EDT
in Football
26 comments
If ever a book title cried out for a snarky response, this is the one.
Senator Blutarsky (July 30, 2009)
Well, O.K., then, since you asked for it and all . . .
10. Buy the Plainsmen’s former head coach a new pair of pants to replace the ones he lost.
9. Proudly announce to three strangers that Auburn University is the institution at which the toothbrush was invented, and, if anyone doubts the veracity of that story, patiently explain that this fact is known because, had it been invented anyplace else, it’d have been called the teethbrush.
8. Try going 24 hours without thinking about the Crimson Tide. Yes, in a row.
7. Deal with the fact that Bo Jackson was the second-best SEC running back of the 1980s to wear the number 34.
6. Teach these guys how to spell the name of the college whose name appears on their sociology degrees:
5. Quit griping about 2004 and admit what a relief it was not to have to watch the Tigers get rolled by Southern California in the Orange Bowl.
4. Stop conforming to stereotypes in comment threads.
3. Have someone with math skills explain why it makes no sense to run off a head coach with a career record of 110-60 in order to hire a successor with a career record of 5-19.
2. Maybe cool it with all the cheating just a little bit.
1. Don’t leave comments after this posting attempting to correct my spelling. Last time: D-I-E is what people do at the end of their lives; D-Y-E is a cheating former Auburn coach . . . you know, the one who landed Auburn on probation and has the field named after him. No, not Shug Jordan; he’s the cheating former coach who landed Auburn on probation and has the stadium named after him. I’m talking about the cheater who coached in the ‘90s. No, not Terry Bowden; he’s the cheating former coach who took over for the cheating former coach to whom I’m referring. Anyway, none of them have names that are synonymous with death . . . or even, inexplicably, with the death penalty (yet).
Go ‘Dawgs!
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It feels so good
Up until now, I hadn’t really gotten the feeling that the season was bearing down on us. This is like seeing the first flower sprouting up at the end of winter. If its time to hate on Auburn, then its almost time for football!
11. Defend James Brooks for sitting in jail for not paying child support b/c either (1) he was too worthless to pay it, or (2) he was to stupid to comprehend the court’s order to pay it (the argument his attorney made).
12. Continue to pretend Bobby Lowder isn’t running your entire university.
13. Continue to deny that Terry was canned because he was having an affair with either (a) his secretary, (b) a co-ed, © Bobby Lowder’s daughter, or (d) all of the above.
wow. really?
suddenly my esteem for the man doubled. which isn’t saying it increased significantly, but still, it doubled.
Wow
I must I assume I was still in a post-Florida funk when SG Standard posted that “I Really Hate Auburn” piece last November. I missed it entirely, else I’d have jumped into those comments with both feet.
Hmm...
14. Insist going for the tie vs. Syracuse in the 1988 Sugar Bowl was a perfectly rational decision.
It's like manna from . . .
the college sports blogger heavens. Assuming the manna came slathered in butter, and was brought to you by a waitress named Pearl with a side of chitlins. But other than that, just like manna.
I would argue...
That the only thing an Auburn coach/player/fan needs to do before they die is hurry up and die.
Thus, increasing the average IQ, admittance scores, GPA, and general hygiene of the entire Southeastern Conference and its fanbase.
Please note that I am not realistically advocating demise for these individuals , simply stating that since we are all going to die anyway, they should go ahead and get it over with for the benefit of society.
Hey! Auburn Fan! I saw something shiny on the third rail at the Marta Station…why don’t you go check it out?
Behold, this year's College Gameday Sign:
"Joe Cox -- He circumcises ANGELS!"
Im so ashamed...
I am a huge Alabama fan and my 13 yr old son is a Auburn fan (where did I go so wrong)… anyway I showed him the picture on #6 and asked him what was wrong with it and he said he couldnt see anything wrong with it. He didnt notice it until his mom pronounced it out for him… (sigh) the things we must live with…keep up the great work, doging Auburn and ROLL TIDE!!
by parrotheadinbama on Aug 1, 2009 12:10 PM EDT reply actions
He may come around...
Have faith.
I pretended to be a Gator fan from 89-94 to piss off my uncle (who was a complete d’bag)— I am not proud of this. Kids in the 10-15 range generally look for any reason to be contrary. When he got divorced from my Aunt, I went back to all that was pure and right in the world.
Once again, I am not proud of this and wish I had more sense as a youngster — On the plus side, when I came back from the dark side I hated Florida more vehemently than ever before and continue to do so to this day. I like to think of this period in my life as wandering away from the church toward atheism and then seeing the light…sort of a prodigal son thing. Although, as I recall, the prodigal son came back to alot better than the Goff and Donnan years.
Perhaps your son will come around similarly.
Behold, this year's College Gameday Sign:
"Joe Cox -- He circumcises ANGELS!"
I probably shouldn't have posted that...
It is without question the darkest secret in my past.
Between this and the gaggle of 12 year olds that will enter my classroom on Thursday, I am dumbfounded daily at the things I will subject myself to for other people’s kids.
Please don’t hold it against me guys.
Oh well…its out there now.
Behold, this year's College Gameday Sign:
"Joe Cox -- He circumcises ANGELS!"
Nice job, TKK!
I enjoy all of your Barnie bashing threads. Keep up the outstanding work. I owe you a big GO DAWGS for that one…
After spending seven wondrous years in the state of Alabama, never in my life have I seen fans, who claim to be loyal to one team, spend more time AUbsessing over the other more so than they do their very own.
I don't know about Kyle....
But I view the Dooley situation as him finally getting it right.
Just because someone is born into a hellhole doesn’t mean they can’t eventually better their circumstances.
Behold, this year's College Gameday Sign:
"Joe Cox -- He circumcises ANGELS!"
It's an interesting question
Really, I just view it as par for the course. We’ve been conducting a coach exchange program with the Plainsmen for years.
Shug Jordan was an assistant coach at Georgia before becoming the head coach at Auburn. Erk Russell was an assistant coach at Auburn before becoming the defensive coordinator at Georgia.
Pat Dye went to Georgia. Vince Dooley went to Auburn.
Typically, both schools have had one or two alumni of the other school on staff. Rodney Garner and Stacy Searels are Auburn graduates. Will Muschamp and Hugh Nall were Georgia graduates.
It’s just the way it’s done.
Granted, I’d be much more forgiving of Vince if he hadn’t had a losing record against his alma mater, but he made up for it (partly) by being the winningest coach in series history in both the Georgia-Florida and Georgia-Georgia Tech rivalries.
Also, turning down a million-dollar offer from Auburn so he could stay at Georgia counts for something, too.
Go 'Dawgs!
well... money can't buy a man much pride.
but we just appreciate you guys getting frank thomas ready for the top job in tuscaloosa.
Twice Banned....
and i still took the time to create a new account just to hate. Really, its unfortunate that uga fans want to be alabama fans. You want to be hated back so bad, its sad. Either way, watching the pokes hang about 60 on you in the season opener will be amazing, ive already got my tickets. Oh, and good luck in the cocktail party, looks like a rough season ahead.
a barner is warning a bulldog that there might be "a rough season ahead?"
there’s irony, there’s stupidity and then there’s “what color is the sky in your world?”
It's sad that we want to be hated back so badly . . .
. . . but you hate us back so badly that you’ve been banned twice yet you still took the time to create a new account so you could live vicariously through another orange-and-blue-clad team that happens to be a rival of yours, as well?
Evidently, you haven’t made it as far as No. 4 on the above list.
Go 'Dawgs!
Alright mouthbreather....I'll bite....
Mark Richt in Road and Neutral Site Games – 40 wins 13 losses
Gene Chizik in Road and Neutral Site Games – 0 Wins 11 losses
I know you Aubies aren’t so hot with math, so allow me to simplify the winning percentage equation for you.
.755 > .000
Who’s gonna have the rough season again?
Behold, this year's College Gameday Sign:
"Joe Cox -- He circumcises ANGELS!"
One suggestion
As in the Wikipedia world, I would like to state that it’s best not to feed the trolls.
Normally I would agree
But it can be fun as a way to pass time until the season starts.
Behold, this year's College Gameday Sign:
"Joe Cox -- He circumcises ANGELS!"
by RedCrake on Aug 2, 2009 3:35 PM EDT via mobile up reply actions
I won't have a rough season
Because I expect auburn to lose at least 6-7 games. On top of that, I’m currently enrolled at OState, thanks to the air force, and I expect an undefeated season for the pokes. Guess I’ll see y’all at joes before kickoff.
by AUKingOState on Aug 2, 2009 12:20 PM EDT via mobile reply actions
So this Joe . . .
is he your probation officer or your cousin? Both?
And I love the logic: It’s not a rough season because I expect to lose. That’s like saying “I wasn’t really bankrupt because I knew I was out of money.” Or “It wasn’t really a goring because I knew that bull hated me before I ever stepped in the pen.”
by MaconDawg on Aug 4, 2009 9:53 AM EDT reply actions 1 recs
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