Free Form Friday. Hilarity in SEC Coaching Edition.

It's college football's offseason. That's not my problem. It's not your problem. It's our problem. And collective problems call for collective solutions.

Thus we present Free Form Friday. Until further notice, I'll spend Fridays posting a vaguely organized compendium of non-sequiturs, pop culture observations and college sports miscellany which you may discuss in the comments, or ignore in favor of your own topics. Think of it as your weekend open comment thread.

Cocknfire has a hilarious look at what would happen if the SEC head coaches appeared Herschel-style on The Celebrity Apprentice over at Team Speed Kills. If there's any funnier combination than Urban Meyer and suppositories, I haven't seen it yet.

Speaking of SEC coaches and rear ends, Gene Chizik was asked recently by Jon Solomon of the Birmingham News what he thought of fellow first year skipper Lane Kiffin's many varied public comments and sterling feats of jackassery (my words, not Solomon's). Chizik responded by slowly raising the brim of his cowboy hat, projecting a stream of tobacco juice into a nearby spitoon, and drawling:

When things need to be said, I say 'em. When they don't need to be said, I don't say 'em. I just call 'em like it is when I need to call it.

Solomon left out the part where Chizik noted that in addition to knowing when to say 'em and call 'em, you also have to know when to hold 'em, when to fold 'em, when to walk away, and when to run, even though he knows those moves as well. Just ask the folks in Ames, Iowa.

As much as I may have panned the Chizik hire a few months ago, I'm beginning to think he may be ok. At least as ok as General Peachfuzz, anyway. He's assembled an impressive staff (as opposed to some other coaches, who have assembled staffs more impressive than themselves), and seems to be doing well on the recruiting trail without the need for convicted felons and other schools' castoff academic/conduct casualties. Sometimes in life, being barely competent is all it takes to survive. And I am more and more sensing that Gene Chizik is in fact barely competent. Really, I mean that as a compliment Auburn fans.

After the recent Spurrier vs. Kiffin dustup that hardly was at the league meetings, I began thinking of some other off-the-field deathmatches I'd like to see among SEC coaches. A few examples:

  • Mark Richt versus Urban Meyer on the beach at Jekyll Island, with palm fronds and flamethrowers. And dancing.
  • Steve Spurrier versus Bobby Johnson, in the middle of the 18th fairway at Augusta with 4 irons and vicegrip pliers.
  • Rich Brooks versus Les Miles in the middle of a southeast Asian swamp with machetes and malayan pitvipers. Nevermind, that probably already happened.
  • Nick Saban versus Gene Chizik on top of a moving limousine with throwing stars and a case of Castrol 5w30 motor oil.

While it's completely unrelated to college sports, I'm heading to a family reunion this weekend, which is great for two reasons. One, I enjoy spending time with my extended family. They're dysfunctional in a "Hey look! Fireworks!" kind of way as opposed to dysfunctional in a "No Billy, not on the cat!" kind of way. And, it gives me an opportunity to post this video of  Corb Lund and the Hurtin' Albertans:


Feel free to leave your weekend plans in the comments. Extra points if said plans involve Houston Nutt and/or venomous reptiles. Until next week . . .

 

Go 'Dawgs!!!

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