Don't Bet On It!: Around the SEC

I started with the national games of interest this week, so now I need to circle back around to look at the Southeastern Conference slate. My 6-1 ledger in last week’s league picks left me at 57-10 for the fall, but, honestly, I should’ve gone 7-0 against last Saturday’s sorry schedule, so my usual disclaimer still stands: Don’t Bet On It!

Each of the following games will take place on Saturday because this isn’t the Mid-American Conference, dang it:

Kentucky Wildcats at Vanderbilt Commodores: The battle for eleventh place on my SEC Power Poll ballot kicks off in Nashville when the Bluegrass State Felines visit the Music City Sailors. I’m not going to mince words here: Vanderbilt is so bad that the ‘Dores lost by a double-digit margin to Georgia. Clearly, Kentucky will emerge victorious.

Troy Trojans at Arkansas Razorbacks: The Hogs host the Trojans for the third time in the last four years this weekend after having won the 2007 battle 46-26 and lost the 2006 meeting 50-14. Of course, that 2006 game was against the Southern California Trojans, so this represents a bit of a step down in weight class. I like Arkansas to take care of Troy, who is, after all, just one guy.

Louisiana Tech Bulldogs at LSU Tigers: I would make a joke about this being a battle for local bragging rights, but, when you look at the other programs aspiring to be the Bayou Bengals’ Pelican State rival, you realize Louisiana Tech really is the prime contender. With apologies to Derek Dooley, Louisiana Tech ain’t that much of a contender. Louisiana State’s dominance of Bulldog squads this season continues.

Alabama Crimson Tide at Mississippi St. Bulldogs: Both teams wear maroon, once employed Sylvester Croom, and are pleased with where their current head coaches have gotten them, but there the similarities end. Dan Mullen has done a fine job, but he hasn’t done a fine enough job to beat ’Bama. In his defense, though, any Mississippi State coach who had done a good enough job to beat ‘Bama probably was cheating his hindquarters off.

Tennessee Volunteers at Mississippi Rebels: Apparently, a stricter truth-in-advertising statute went into effect in the Magnolia State on November 1. Prior to that point, almost all of the teams Ole Miss faced were, to put it bluntly, lying. The Vanderbilt Commodores are not, in fact, high-ranking naval officers. The Auburn Tigers and Memphis Tigers are really human beings rather than large jungle felines. The Arkansas Razorbacks are people rather than pigs in need of a veterinary spinal dermatologist. Since Halloween, though, the Rebs have played two teams who were honest about their mascots. As I was informed repeatedly, the Northern Arizona Lumberjacks hail from a home town founded by actual lumberjacks. Likewise, it turns out that the Tennessee Volunteers are not paid staff members. Much to my annoyance, the Big Orange will wallop the Rebels on the road.

Florida Gators at South Carolina Gamecocks: Don’t be alarmed, but, when Steve Spurrier and Urban Meyer meet at midfield for the postgame handshake, the South Carolina Department of Homeland Security will upgrade the SOB Alert Level to Condition Orange. Actually, I heard that the two coaches had made a private bet on this game. If the Sunshine State Saurians win, Darth Visor will retire from coaching and become a full-time amateur golfer; if the Palmetto State Poultry win, Corch Meyers will take the Notre Dame job. I’m not saying that’s true; I just read it on Bleacher Report. Anyway, I’ll be rooting for South Carolina, but I’m picking Florida.

For my final forecast, I predict that I will be wrong on 50 per cent of the foregoing prognostications. Why am I so willing to bank on my own inaccuracy? Because I know to follow the advice you should have sense enough to take: Don’t Bet On It!

Coming Soon: National Game of Disinterest.

Go ‘Dawgs! Auburna delenda est!