As you may have heard, our traditional rivals from outside Columbus went and got themselves a new football coach. It seems universally agreed that the new guy is a substantial downgrade from the old guy, who nevertheless was run out of town like he stole baby Jesus from the nativity scene at the First Baptist Church of Wetumpka really had to go given the charged circumstances on the Plains. Poor Jerry Hinnen, as staunch an Auburn fan as you'll ever see, has been driven to prose that sounds a little like Robert Frost and references C.S Lewis and neverending winters.
But I can hear you sound-reasoning Auburn fans (yes,all three of you) now: "Why do you people even care! Mind your own business! Alabama and Florida own you, puppies!" Well first, as Paul Westerdawg sagely noted, what the Aubbies do effects us as much as any SEC team not headed by Nick Saban. Second, well, it's just a whole lot of fun to watch the comedy team of Jacobs and Gouge Gogue run their blue and orange train off the tracks like the Old 97.
But, alas, if you're not part of the solution, you are part of the problem. So, I will not stand idly by these next two years, giggling and smirking like Urban Meyer watching an overserved Billy Sims make a fool of himself at the Heisman Dinner. Instead, I thought I'd give the new Auburn Athletic Director (who'll be hired about this time next year) a short list of possible candidates to replace Gene Chizik after his 7-17 run as Head Coach of the Auburn WarNeedToHireSomeHRHelpStatEagles:
10. Bill Lewis. Actually, I think Auburn may have hired Bill Lewis, only with more prominent neck veins and a bigger contract.
9. Pat Sullivan. Think of him as Pat Dye, only with better short term memory and a relatively healthy liver. Oh, and his Samford Bulldogs won four conference games this season. What would the Auburn contingent have given to reach four conference victories?
8. The Chupicabra. Fiery. Bloodthirsty. Moves under cover of night. The perfect fit for the Auburn Athletic Department. Plus the name literally translates to "The Goat Sucker". You may insert your own Auburn-related punchline here.
7. The Easter Bunny. Had about as much to do with Auburn's succes (sic) this season as Tony Franklin. That's gotta count for something.
6. Bo Jackson. If you're going to spend football season looking forward to baseball season, you might as well get a head start. And Tim Hudson's busy, so Bo it is. Plus the marketing angles are many and catchy: "Bo Knows Beating Vandy". "Bo Knows the Music City Bowl."
5. Leonard Wolowitz. He's smart, outgoing, and his team beat the snot out of ours over Thanksgiving weekend. Can Chizik lay claim to any of those credentials?
3. Turner Gill. While we may never know the whole truth, is it possible that Gill turned down the Plainsmen because he wants to be in line for a better job next year? If so, I salute his self control. Unless he's thinking that Texas A&M is that better job, in which case he's just a flaming dumbass.
2. Patrick Nix. I'm still a little chafed about this one. Nix could have been the Ray Goff of Auburn, but nooooo. Now that will have to wait until they panic fire Chizik, I suppose.
1. Tommy Tuberville. That's right, the perfect guy to lead the Auburn Tigers as they ride out the storm that will culminate in Nick Saban leaving to coach the University of Southern California after Pete Carroll decides he can "win forever" in Bora Bora is . . . Tommy Tuberville. The Auburn administration fired the guy with the experience and gravitas to stand toe to toe with the coach at Alabama and prevent API from sinking back into its little brother status in the Yellowhammer State. Good job gang.
And thus ends Dawgsports' continuing coverage of Auburn Coachapalooza '08. At least until this evening. Then, I swear, we're done. Until then . . .