To: New Dawg Sports Contributor
From: T. Kyle King
Subject: Official Site Position on Various and Sundry SEC Rivals
Welcome aboard. There are only three rules here vis-a-vis hatred of conference rivals: 1) We hate Auburn exclusively, 2) You may strongly dislike whomever else you choose. Except Kristin Davis. Kristin is off limits. 3) You may choose to hate Tommy Tuberville, Shug Jordan or Pat Sullivan individually on Fridays, but only in good taste and never with jeans.
And while I may hate Auburn, I think Quentin Groves is my new favorite Barner. For one, I would trade my molars, a kidney and Tommy Tuberville's appendix to have him on the Dawgs' roster. Groves is just that badass. In fact it's reputed that every time Quentin Groves leaves the house Brodie Croyle and John Parker Wilson each get that sense of inexplicable impending doom you used to read about in the Time/Life "Mysteries of the Unknown" series.
And as if you needed any more reason to love him in a non-mancrushy kinda way, I give you 2 pearls of wisdom from the Aristotle of the Plains at SEC Media Days (courtesy of al.com and its round the clock coverage).
In regards to his teammate Tray "LaGrange's Most Wanted" Blackmon: "Tray is a guy who is going to do great things for us this year. I'm taking him under my wing. I've tried to lead by more example than anything. I'm not going to the club as much. I'm not going to go out and get hammered. He can see there are better things to do than go out to the club and get drunk. You can be in the club, but you don't have to be drunk in the club."
I think Quentin neglected to mention that you can also be drunk but not in the club. But he does provide a pretty good synopsis of the logical options for entertainment in the prettiest little post-apocalyptic hellhole on the Plains. After all, there really aren't a lot of options in a town where the highlights of the social calendar are the "Irons Brothers Foundation Charity Ball for Kids Who Don't Read So Good" and Charmin's annual release of its new fall toilet paper selections.
Quentin Groves is pictured here simultaneously explaining to Tray Blackmon how many more last chances he gets from Tommy Tuberville, and bidding on a fine set of candy-filled luggage at the Irons Brothers Foundation Charity Auction.
And as regards Nick Saban's promise to beat Auburn 365 days a year:
[Editor's Note: Quentin is in the bathroom in the middle of the night doing one armed pullups on his titanium-reinforced shower rod. He is not there because he has previously been in the club and drunk. Much like Slick Nick, QG doesn't have time for that. End note.]
Yeah, that Iron Bowl is going to be a lot of fun this year. Kyle and I will both likely be back with more Media Days hijinx. And it probably won't involve Auburn. Unless they keep talking. Until then . . .