It is time once again for the radical realignment of the college football conferences and, by saving the best for last, I necessitate offering the worst at the first . . . and so it is with much disgust and trepidation that I present the ragtag collection of castoffs, ne'er-do-wells, has-beens, wannabes, and perennial bottom-feeders forming the new and distinctly not improved Conference U.S.A.
That's right, Blue Devils; your polyester-panted glory days are behind you and you've been dumped into the Conference U.S.A. abyss.
Read 'em and weep, for these are they:
I am sure some Stanford fans will squawk, but I refuse to pay heed to the complaints of Cardinal fans after their athletic administration reduced the capacity of the school's football stadium by 35,000 seats last year. If folks at The Farm don't care any more about the sport than that, it serves them right to have to travel to the bayous of the Pelican State and the swamps of the Sunshine State to have to play football games.
Also, you might want to look into developing a special teams play designed to prevent the other team from taking a kickoff with four seconds left and returning it 57 yards on five laterals for the game-winning touchdown when your band is out on the field.
The rest of the composition of Conference U.S.A. seems fairly self-explanatory. Duke, Temple, and Tulane, like Stanford, are spent volcanoes to the extent that their football teams ever amounted to much of anything in the first place. Buffalo may boast the most sad-sack program in Division I-A and F.A.U., F.I.U., U.L.L., and U.L.M. form an alphabet soup of second-tier football.
By lumping these programs of comparable (lack of) quality together in a single league spread across the map, we clear the way for geographic considerations to dictate the realignment of the conferences the way they once determined the reapportionment of Congressional districts. Accordingly, with my next posting upon this topic, I shall start at the Pacific coast and begin working my way eastward, setting forth the reshuffled league arrangements as I go.
Coming soon . . . the new Pacific-10.